More so a vent. Actually no entirely a vent, turned into a story
TW: disordered eating, voices in my head, sh, suicide and past suicide mentions, 'delusions', depression, anxiety, omg I cant fucking do this anymore.
Some of these are on chapter two not 1
Sorry for the two vents in a day
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"What's the point of anything?" I questioned and everyone in the room looked up.
"I mean, I'm struggling like everyday and I mean I don't even have to have much responsibility, with being in school, I mean imagine in university, living in a dorm, full time job, studying, everything else. Then there's life in general. I mean I'm in constant pain everyday and life just makes that worse, and because of life and having to work and stuff I can't just sit or lay down all day, and even then I would still be in pain.
And then there's the mental health, I mean I haven't cut myself since the night I failed that overdosed but that doesn't mean I don't fucking want to, I really fucking want to every minute of everyday. And I just tell myself how much of a set back it would be and how much of a failure I would be if I relapsed but I just cant stop thinking about it, I want to fucking die 24/7 and nobody realizes. People ask me if I'm fine and because there so used to me being depressed they don't like sit down and talk to me for a few minutes. That would end up with me cracking and telling someone. Then I am so scared all the fucking time, I'm being watched. There's cameras in every single one of the rooms and eyes on me at all times, finding out as much as they can about me before they kill me. I don't wanna leave the ministry at all, I'm so fucking scared. I can't leave my drinks unattended at all or my glass, I have to wash it before I use it or the people watching might have put poison into it. And then you lot get replaced by them sometimes, and then you try and kill me so I have to get away and that makes me lonely, and I'm so lonely, I just need a hug but a simple hug is never enough, I want like a never ending hug, but i can't coz I can't trust anyone. And it's all because of my stupid brain. Then there's the compulsions that no one notices. I wash my hands when I wake up, when I go into the bathroom, when my hands feel off, when I touch something that feels weird, that's alot. I use seven pumps of soap, wash them a certain way, every time, every day. That's why my hands are so dry, but hand cream thingy makes my hands feel weird so I have to wash it off, and if I don't wash them I scratch my hands until there bleeding. So what's the fucking point of living. Then theres the eating. I hate food its made me fat, and it makes me fat and you can bullshit all you want and say that im not fat but clinically im overweight which means im fat. I hate food so much but I can't stop eating. Like its such a comfort to each food, I don't know why, and I mean then there's the voices, I hope it's not true, I really do but you don't get it until there there yiu can't just not believe something there all the time. Like if you was raised entirely Christian for at least a portion of your life you have to have been a Christian because its all you've been told. Anyways back to point, non of you lot would care if I just went to my bedroom and slit my wrists and bled to death. And Crackle doesn't really love me, and i can't trust anyone, and the voices are so bad for me but sometimes there so nice and like my friends, like this one girl, she's really nice she talks to me says I'm nice, says I'm beautiful, then there's these guys and I think a girl, obviously I'm just presuming, that are so mean sometimes but sometimes there so funny and nice but not at the minute. They make me want to cry. I want you to love me and to care about me but you just don't, and I can't convince myself otherwise. It just hurts everything hurts so bad, but I'm on holiday, I should be happy, not depressed, I don't know why I feel like this on holiday!!!"
You finally finish and take a very deep breath after only taking little ones. You look up and see all of the ghouls staring and crying. Rain is crying the hardest, Sodo next. Everyone, even Papa is crying. Swiss gets up and walks next to you and then pulls you into his lap and hugs you. You hug him back and start crying so hard. Crying out every emotion you had been holding for the last 11 months since you last cried, or said your problems out loud. "Y/n you need help, we're going to get you some help, and we're going to help you. We do love you so much and as you said you can't just believe us but we will make you believe us. And Crackle loves you dearly, so much. He loves you with all his heart." He says and you just cry harder. You cry so hard you fall asleep in Swiss arms and then he picks you up and holds you in his arms for the rest of the evening. During the evening all of the ghouls work to make a giant bed and then when you wake up the next morning you are being cuddled by all of them.
When they wake up, you get up and they drag you back down and they all give you a long hug each. "We love you y/n." They say together and you nod.
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Part 1
Part two on my other ghost/vent book
