One last thing before I write this and then probably sleep but, and I know your all gonna thing I'm crazy, but if any of you need to vent, you can always message me or comment and I'll respond as quickly as I can. I typically sleep between 3am-11 amor 12pm most days but wattpad is typically the first app I click on so I'll respond as soon as I can
TW: wanting to die, sh and disordered eating
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You sat in the bathroom on the floor with your blade in your hand. You didn't want to break your clean streak but you were just craving it, so badly and you needed to do it so you sat there and cried. You waited for it to pass but it wasn't. You wanted to tell a ghoul but you couldn't. They didn't even know you did it in the first place how would they react. So you sat and cried. Then you heard a knock on your door. "Y/n are you in there?" You here Swiss say, "Yeah, I'll be one second." You say and then hide your blade, pull your sleeve down and then flush the toilet.
"What do you need?" You ask as you walk out. "Well I was wondering if you wanted to eat dinner with us all?" He asked. You pulled out your phone and looked at the time. "Uhm, I don't know. I'm not that hungry, I only ate a couple hours ago." You say, completely lying you haven't eaten all day, or yesterday. "No you haven't I've been in the kitchen making a slow roast all day, you haven't been in there once." He says and you look down. "I'm just not hungry." You say, "Well you need to eat. Come on." He says and you sigh and give in. It's not like you have an eating disorder, you can still eat you don't don't want to, because your fat. (No your not). You walked down to the kitchen and smelled lamb, your favorite.
You smiled excited, and then sat down. Swiss placed all the food out and you grabbed what you wanted. Finally letting yourself eat after a couple days. You ate a lot, like probably enough to make up for the last few days completely but you didn't care. It was really, really good food, Swiss knows how to cook. You felt extremely full by the time you has finished, and sorta felt sick, like you were gonna throw up. You took some deep breaths in an attempt to keep it all down and it worked. Then you had a quick drink which you chugged and then the usual thing happened where you start wheezing. (If there is anyone who knows why this happens please tell me. Like it happens everytime I drink, and I mostly drink water. And it's kinda concerning me but my mum won't tell my paediatrician because she tells her what she wants because I can't speak to people in public n stuff)
You, again, take a few deep breaths and then go back to your room. A couple of hours later you feel hungry so you walk into the kitchen and find some cake in the fridge that says it's for everyone, so you grab a slice, but you still feel hungry, so you have a bag of crisps (or chips for Americans). Then you eat something else and something else and then Rain walks into the kitchen and sees all the wrappers. "You okay?" He asks and you nod and then finally feel full. "Yeah, just... hungry." You say and realize how much you just ate. 'Your gonna get fatter, gosh your so greedy, greedy bitch. Fat ass.' The voices scream in your head and you cover your ears really tightly and then they quiten to a point you can ignore them by playing your inner music. "You sure your okay?" He asks and you nod again. "Look me in the eyes and say, 'I'm fine Rain, I promise." He says 'fuckkkkk.' You think and then take a deep breath and look up at him.
"I'm fine Rain." You say and look down and then just give up and walk forward and hug him. Then you slowly start crying onto his shoulder. "Your okay, it's gonna be okay." He whispers into your ear and you cry harder. "You wanna talk about it?" He asks and you shake your head. "Just a stressful day." You lie, not wanting him to be worried. Your tears calm down and then he pats your back and you pull away from the hug and smile. "Thanks, I really needed that." You say, and he smiles.
"You can come speak to any of us at any time." He says and you nod. "Thank you." You say and then smile and walk back to your room. When you get in you go on your phone for a bit. Then it becomes dark, it always gets worse at night. You try to ignore the urge but eventually it's too much so you take your jumper off and get your blade out of your phone case. You start at your left arm, all cut up and mis shaped in some places. You look and find an almost empty patch and then start cutting. You watch the blood trickle down your arm and then you feel guilty. Usually you don't care, after so long you just done give two shits but you have people to talk to now. Rain said you could talk to him and everyone else, and you still cut yourself. But it's never too late to get help, so you wiped the blood up and put your jumper back on and then walked over to Swiss' room. You know damn well that Rain told everyone, and it was because he cares about you.
You knock on the door and then he opens it a few minutes later. "Y/n, how are you?" He asks and you smile and tear up. "Come in." He says and pulls you into a hug. He shuts the door and then you hand him your blade. "What's this? Have you been cutting yourself?" He asks you worriedly. You nod and start crying and then he hugs you. "Oh, it's okay. Your going to be okay." He says and you cry harder. "Can I look at them? Make sure they're not infected?" He asks and you nod and pull away.
You take your jumper off and then he looks down and gasps. "How long have you been doing this?" He asks, "Couple months." You mumble and he looks over all of the fresh ones, and the half scarred ones to make sure they're not infected. "Do you wanna out a plaster on them? To make sure they don't get infected?" He asks and you nod. He holds your hand and then walks you over to his bathroom and grabs a guants plaster out. "How do you feel? In complete honesty." He asks and you sigh, "I don't wanna be here anymore." You say and start crying again. "Oh y/n, your okay, why not?" He asks, "I just feel down all the time. I'm not happy almost ever. And I just cant do this anymore, I mean nobody realized I was down and upset until today, when I broke down in front of Rain. I mean who actually wants me here, I'm just annoying." You say and then he shakes his head.
"Y/n, we all love you so much, your not annoying. We didn't want to say anything, and I know that's wrong of us but we really wanted to see if you were okay, just everytime we went to ask you you were smiling, and we didn't want to ruin the mood." He says, "Please don't kill yourself, we love you so much, all of us." He says and you cry and hug him. "Wanna cuddle?" He asks and you nod. You walk over to his bed and then both lay down and cuddle and then you fall asleep.
The next day they book therapy appointments and you basically cuddle one of them then the next every night for the next two weeks, then it starts getting better.
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Okay Ik I said I was taking a break but writing distracts my mind and makes me happy, I'll probably keep writing fluff and angst tho, but I have a REALLY good idea for a smut but I don't know when it will be out. After this whole depressed era is over I'll probably unpublished most of the angst unless people don't want me to because I feel like people won't want so much angst but whatever. Idk. Anyways, I feel much better than I did last night, however if it does get bad I have a LOT of people I can message, and that I'm not afraid to message, so don't worry about me 👍
