give me back my girlhood

My SA

This chapter contains mature content, which depicts what happened to me tha night of my SA and the aftermath including me being gr00med.

...

On the 14th of November 2018, I went on a school trip to London, Tali was also on the trip. She sat next to me on the bus and started making small talk.

Tali began to ask me really weird and uncomfortable questions;

"So what's your sexuality? You're definitely not straight, I can tell"

"Have you ever mas******ted? I'd recommend it, it feels so good. I'll show you how to if you like?"

"Your br3asts would be the perfect size for my top surgery. Can I feel them? Try them before I get them?"

"Are you a v1rg1n? I'd love to take your v1rg1n1ty, it doesn't matter that you're not 16 yet."

I tried to avoid all the questions and I told her I was uncomfortable several times, but she wouldn't stop. She finally stopped asking me the uncomfortable questions, when I stopped replying

When we got off of the bus and into the theatre to watch the show, Tali was sitting next to me. I tried to swap seats with a guy on the other side of me, who I knew from the maths class, but a teacher caught me and told me to stay where I had sat originally.

When the lights went down and the show started Tali began to grope my legs, and rub my v@gin@ through my clothes.

I repeatedly told her "stop" "no" and pushed her hands away from me, but she didn't listen. I was terrified, I had never dated anyone before and I still hadn't come out as bisexual, as I didn't feel comfortable in my sexuality yet.

When the curtains went down for the interval, I rushed to the toilet and found a teacher. I told her Tali kept touching, but not where she had been touching me, as I was too ashamed and embarrassed to tell her what Tali had done to me. I asked again if I could move, she told me to stay where I was sat and just tell her to stop and respect my personal space.

I slowly walked back from the toilets, to my seat, petrified of what she would do next. Tali continued to touch me when the show started again. I sat in the theatre quietly crying, pushing Tali's hands away from me every few seconds, but she came back every time.

When the show had ended, I sprinted away from Tali to find a third teacher on the walk back to the bus. I asked her if I could be moved to a different seat. I told this teacher exactly what Tali had done to me.

She told me "We do not tell lies about other students, especially lies like that." And told me to sit next to Tali on the bus back.

As we sat on the bus, not talking or acknowledging one another, I desperately tried to stay awake, as I didn't know what Tali might do to me as I slept. But it didn't work, I fell asleep.

I woke up to Tali's hand up my shirt and bra, groping one of my breasts and her other hand down my trousers and underwear, forcing her fingers into me.

I woke up because I was having an 0rg@sm. I hated knowing what she was doing to me before I woke up. I hate that my body was reacting in the way it should, even if I didn't want it. I hated the teachers for not helping me. But most of all I hated Tali.

I pulled her hands off of me and moved as close to the window as I could, crying again and wishing I'd never gone on the trip. We still had over an hour left on the bus before we got home. Tali ignored me for the rest of the journey, acting as if she'd done anything wrong.

That was until we pulled back into the school grounds, Tali pulled me to face her and forced me to kiss her. I tried to pushed her off of me, but she was too strong. She then grabbed my wrists before telling me "You'll have to date me now, no one will want you now, you're a dirty whore."

I believed her. I hated how dirty I felt. I hated myself. I hated how my body felt.

...

After Tali had SA'd me, she began gr00ming me into dating her. She convinced me that now she had 'claimed' me, we had to date and go further with our 'relationship' she made them feel dirty and worthless. I hated myself.

I no longer count Tali as an ex-girlfriend, she is an abu$3r and a gr00mer, not a partner. She will never be my partner, she took advantage of me from a young age and ruined my idea of what a healthy relationship was.

Throughout the year of our 'relationship' Tali SA'd me at least two more times. I suspect there were more times, but my memory likes to forget details of what happened during this traumatic period of my life.

The second time Tali SA'd me was in the school library. The school library was my safe space, I would spend my breaks and lunches there with my friends and the librarian, she was like a second mother and a therapist combined. I was eating my lunch in the library and Tali kept grabbing my head and trying to force me to kiss her. I repeatedly dodged her or muttered no. I hated public displays of affection before Tali, as I suffer with social anxiety, she made my anxiety get so much worse during the gr00ming. I would regularly have anxiety attacks at school and at home. After several more attempts, she did make me kiss her.

The last time I remember Tali SA'ing me was during the last after school club meeting of the term. Someone had dropped their pen, so I got off of the table I was sitting on to get it for them, as I sat back down Tali moved her hand to gr0pe my butt. I jumped up after realising what she had done.

One of my friends had clearly noticed, as she saw me jump and asked me to go to the printer with her. Once we had gotten outside she asked me about it, I broke down and told her everything, glad that someone had finally noticed and wasn't going to victim blamed me again.

She was the only person to know for 3 years. I still get worried when telling someone about my SA, terrified of being victim blamed or shamed.

(this chapter was previously published in another vent book, but had to be censored to stay in line with wattpads guidelines)