Sander Sides Oneshots

I'm Not Okay (Logan)

This is based on the song above, I'm not okay by Citizen Soldier. This is going to be angsty. Please read the Trigger warnings before reading this.

TW: Depression, Depressive thoughts, Su!c!dal thoughts

Logan:

After another video where I barely get to talk, I go to my room. I lock the door before angrily pushing everything off my desk. I am so tired of being ignored. I am so tired of not being heard. I am so tired of just being there the emotionless robot. I'm tired of it all. I sit on the floor and turn on some music. The first song is "I'm not okay" by citizen soldier. 

I start singing along softly while thinking about everything that has gone on. 

Tonight the monsters in my head are screaming so damn loud

Why can't anyone listen to me? Why does no one notice me?

But I built walls so high they'll never make a sound

No matter what I do, no matter how much I cry for help no one will hear.

It's a mask it's a lie but it's all I've ever known

I'm not emotionless, but I get hurt if I show my emotions. This mask is who I am now.

Cause being who I really am, has only left me more alone

When I was younger I did express myself more, but the others got hurt. I got hurt.

I am not okay and I need you to see it

I wish they would see me

I have so much to say and no one to hear it

If only they would listen to me. I have ideas. I can help

The reason I keep quiet with so much at stake,  I always feel like a burden

I just burden them, they'd be so much better with a logic with no emotion

Let it silence me, You'll never understand how hard it is to say I'm not okay

It's so hard to talk to any of them, even Virgil, I just want someone hold me

I wish I hard a scar, had a bruise on the surface any kind of proof

What if I had something that showed I wasn't okay?

That everything I feel is more than some sad excuse my life's invisible abuse

"He has nothing to add, he wouldn't know what we're talking about" "Logan please" "You're benched this time"

I'm either judged or have to hide the only symptom you can see is that I don't want to be alive

Why is it so hard to just be me? To be alive?

I am not okay and I need you to see it

I want them to see me

I have so much to say and no one to hear it

No one wants to hear me

The reason I keep quiet with so much at stake, I always feel like a burden

No one wants to hear complaining

Let it silence me, You'll never understand how hard it is to say I'm not okay

Why is it so hard to express my feelings?

I'll never have the words to explains this hell

My head is never quiet, they all hate me

But what if it kills me if I keep it to myself, to myself

What happens if I don't come out of my room?

I am not okay and I need you to see it

Will they ever see me?

I have so much to say and no one to hear it

I have no words left for them or for me

The reason I keep quiet with so much at stake, I always feel like a burden

I burden them by being alive

Let it silence me, You'll never understand how hard it is to say I'm not okay

I want to be okay

"Tonight the monsters in my head scream so damn loud" I sing the last part out.

"Logan?"

I flinch at the person's voice and look over at the door. It's still closed, but there's a shadow underneath meaning someone was there.

"Just a minute." I say, quickly getting up, and stopping my music. I open the door and see a concerned Virgil, "Did you need something?"

"I was wanting to checkup on you after that episode." He hesitates for a second before asking, "Are you okay?"

"I...How much did you hear?" I ask stuttering a bit. 

"Pretty much the whole song. Logan you know I'm always here for you right?"

I nod, not trusting my words anymore.

"Do you want a hug?" He asks. I nod and he pulls me into a hug. I don't know what came over me, but I start crying. He quickly moves us into my room and closes the door. After a minute he asks, "Do you want to lay on your bed? I'll stay with you?"

"Y-yes" I say. We both get on my bed and I cuddle into him. He takes off my glasses before wrapping a blanket around us. 

We both sit there like that for awhile before the exhaustion hits me and I start to drift off. I hold Virgil tighter scared he'll leave me. I feel him squeeze me before I drift off. 

I hope you guys like this. I know it's angsty, but it's a good angst.

Word count:785