The Knowing Secret

Chapter 19

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 The next few days I didn't talk to anyone. Sam stopped by almost every day and I still didn't say a word. After the third day of trying to get me to talk, he finally just started coming over and being there for me in silence. Sometimes he would bring his homework or a book to read. Sometimes he would just sit there, watching me, as if he was waiting for me to say something.  I knew he was worried and concerned, but I had too much on my mind. I couldn't understand what had happened. It wasn't making sense. If Rachel was feeling that depressed there was no way I would have missed that. It would have been too strong for me to ignore. So instead of talking to Sam, my parents, my therapist, or anyone I spent my time looking back, trying to find some sort of a sign, because there had to be one. I would sit in my room with my sketchbook, think about Rachel and draw, but there was still no sign of her feeling suicidal. 

 I wasn't going to work either. After Chris talked to my parents he completely understood and was allowing me as much time off as I needed. I'm pretty sure if we weren't on our winter break that the school would have been fine with me missing classes as well. Christmas came and went, but my presents were left in a pile in the corner of my bedroom, unopened.

 My parents took me a couple times to see Dr. VanKen but during the sessions I wouldn't say a word. I knew if I really told her what was going on in my head that they would all think I was crazy. So instead I kept my mouth shut. However the less I talked the more my parents thought I needed to go see her.

 Finally one day Evan showed up at my house. This was the first time I had seen him since the dance. It was only a few days later but it had felt so much longer. I didn't feel him coming because I was too zoned into Rachel's past, drawing yet another picture. So when he finally said something it made me jump. "Word on the street is that you aren't talkin, Love."

 "Evan!" I said with a jump as I turned to face him.

 "Oh, so you were just waiting to talk to me," he winked.

 Totally ignoring his comment I asked, "You were one of the last people to talk to Rachel right?"

 He gave me a confused look and I felt him start to worry and panic. Finally he nodded. "Yeah, the police already talked to me. Riley, why are you obsessing about this? There is nothing you could have done. She was Sara's friend, you barely knew her."

 Again, I ignored him and asked, "What did you say to her? What did she say to you? Did she seem upset?"

 "Riley," he started, but I cut him off.

 "Did she seem upset, Evan?" I pushed.

 He sighed, "No. I hit on her using my so called 'lame' lines and she blew me off. She did say something about a boyfriend but I don't know. Once she blew me off I didn't stick around."

 "If she had a boyfriend why was she there alone?" I asked.

 "Beats me," he shrugged. I sighed it seemed as if talking to Evan was a waste of time. "Riley," he tried again, but then I had an idea.

 "Evan, can you get me a copy of the suicide note?" I asked cutting him off again.

 He sighed, "Riley, your parents told me you aren't talking to your therapist." I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him. He went on, "They said you've been locking yourself up here every day, and you've just been drawing."

 "I'm not crazy, Evan," I barely whispered.

 Evan walked up behind me and placed his hand on my shoulder. His emotions rushed through me. I felt his worry and I felt his concern. However I was getting that from everyone so I tried to push it away. "Your parents also told me you haven't even talked to Sam. They said he's been here every day and you haven't said a word. I think that maybe it would be best if you talked to someone. If not your therapist then at least Sam, it might help."