The Knowing Secret

Chapter 10

I felt Jay before he even walked in the front door. He was feeling very determined and his feelings for me just kept getting stronger. I went over to my bed and picked up my sketchbook. I sat down on my bed and started flipping through it while I waited for Jay to get to my room. Corey was right. There were multiple drawing of Sam. I didn't realize how many I had actually drawn.

            "Hey, Ri, your mom told me just to head up to your room," Jay said when he walked in the door.

I quickly closed my sketchbook and replied, "Yeah its cool."

"I saw Corey leaving in a rush, you two fight again?" Jay asked, even though he already knew it was true.

"Yeah," I sighed.

"I'm assuming she told you all about what happened at school today, and that this fight has something to do with that. Am I right?" he asked again, as he took a seat next to me on my bed.

"Exactly right," I replied, as I rested my head on his shoulder. Despite what he was feeling for me, I didn't pull away. "I don't understand why this is making her so mad?"

"Well that's an easy one." Jay laughed as he put his arm around me. "Every girl in school has a thing for Sam, Ri. She is just jealous that you're getting the attention from him."

"If by attention you mean being treated like you're the worst person in the world, then yeah you're right."

"Not according to what was going around today."

"You know, I really hate rumors. They are going to be the death of me." I laughed and started to pull away from Jay.

"Aw, don't say that. You'll make it through this mess."

"Well I hope you're right about this," I sighed. "So what's up?"

"Nothing really, just figured I'd stop by on my way to work and see how you were feeling." When I gave him a confused look he added, "You know since you were home sick today."

"Oh, yeah." I laughed. "Feeling much better. Though I am really glad I wasn't in school today." Wanting to know a little more of what happened today I asked, "How did Sam and Sara take all this stupid gossip. I bet they were pissed."

"Sara was," he nodded.

"And Sam?" I pried.

"Sam pulled one of his disappearing acts again." He shrugged. When I gave him a confused look again he laughed. "He wasn't there, and I doubt he'll be there tomorrow either."

"Oh."

"Well, hey, I really should get going to work, but there is something I wanted to say to you first," he said. I felt his determination to get this out, but I also felt how nervous he was to say it.  Above everything else I felt how strong his feelings for me were.

"Okay?" I questioned.

"We've been friends for a long time," he started and reached out for my hand. At first I wanted to pull away because I now knew where this was going. "And you know that I love you, you're my best friend." He paused. He put his hand on my chin and turned my face so I was looking in his eyes. "Ri, I love you. I have since the first time we met, only then I didn't understand it."

            I pulled my hand away from him and got up from the bed. I knew this was coming, but I didn't realize how hard this would be. "Jay, I" I started to say but he cut me off.

"I know this is a lot to take in, so I don't want you to say anything now. Just think about it okay?" he asked. I knew he was scared of what I would say, so I just nodded. "And don't worry," he continued, "this doesn't change anything between us," Then he got up and gave me a hug and walked over to the door. He paused there for a little, and then picked up the pillow and tossed it to me "See you at school tomorrow," he smiled.

When I knew he left the house, I threw the pillow back at the door "Dang it!" I said again and started to pace. There were so many thoughts racing through my head I couldn't sit still. Finally I just couldn't stand being in my house any longer. I put my sweatshirt on and headed for the door.

"Mom!" I yelled from the door. "I'm going out!"

"I'm not sure if that's such a good idea!" She yelled from the kitchen. "After all you were sick today!"

"Mom, I'm fine now," I hollered back. I knew she didn't really care if I went out.

"Alright! Just don't be out too late!" She shouted back.

As soon as I was outside, I started to walk. I had no idea where I was going I just needed to be moving. It was too much to deal with. How was I going to let Jay know that I didn't feel the same way about him?  We pretty much acted like we are a couple anyway. Could it be because I really did have feeling for Sam? No, there was no way; I couldn't have feelings for Sam. With that thought walking just wasn't enough, so I started to run. As I ran I tried my hardest to turn my mind off.

I wasn't paying attention so, of course, what happened next was entirely my fault. I ran right into someone, knocking him and myself over and onto the ground. "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" I said, as I quickly stood up, and that is when I saw who it was that I ran into.

"You know for how small you are, you sure can get a lot of force behind you," Sam replied, rubbing his head as he stood up.

"Are you alright?" I asked, as I leaned up against the building that was beside us. "You didn't hit your head too hard did you?" I crossed my arms in front of my chest, and tried to show that I didn't really care if he did.

"No I'm fine," he answered, taking a step towards me. "No more hospital trips." He reached up and brushed my hair out of my eyes, like he did the day before. Only this time it was a much gentler act. His hand then came to rest on my cheek, and he stared into my eyes. We stood there like that for what seemed like hours when in reality it was only a couple seconds.

 That's when I felt it, desire, and a flash of him kissing me went through my mind, making me push away from him. What scared me the most was I didn't know if the feeling came from him or me. "I gotta go, Sam."

"Can we at least talk?" he asked.

"No," I replied sharply. I turned away from him and started walking.

"Why not?" he asked from behind me.

"Because," I said, as I turned back and walked towards him. "I can't take you constantly going from hot to cold! You're nice one day and then the next you're a total jerk! Not to mention your disappearing acts."

"What?" He asked with a short laugh.

"Disappearing acts...Whenever something happens you disappear. You don't deal with your problems!" I yelled. "So no, I won't talk to you because I am trying really hard to be nice to you!" As I turned and walked away I felt his confusion wash over me and I smiled.

As I made my way home from work the next Friday, I was exhausted. It had been over a week since I literally ran into Sam on the sidewalk, and I hadn't talked to him since. Sam on the other hand hadn't given up on trying to talk to me. No matter how many times I ignored him, he continued to try. When Corey saw me ignoring him, we stopped fighting with each other. I knew she was still jealous because of how hard Sam was trying to talk to me, but she didn't act on it.

The problem with Jay was a little more complicated. I hadn't said anything to him about the night he told me he loved me. I knew I had to, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I didn't want to hurt him and as selfish as it sounded I didn't want to ruin the friendship we had. Jay wasn't pushing for me to say anything but there was so much tension now between us.

When I got home all I wanted to do was crash into bed and sleep till noon. Little did I know at the time there was little chance of that happening. As I walked up to my house all the lights were out, everyone was asleep.

When I walked in my room I shut my door and went to turn my light on, when someone grabbed me from behind. I went to scream when they placed their hand quickly over my mouth and whispered inches from my ear, "Don't scream."

a/n cliff hanger!! what do you think will happen??? comment, vote, follow, and share!!