The Knowing Secret

Chapter 33

After that day Sam was on edge. He tried his best to hide it, to make me think everything was under control by keeping his walls up. Yet I still knew. I knew that when he wasn't around me he was trying to figure out who was behind all of this, but he didn't want me involved at all. He thought it was too dangerous.

The few times I did bring it up, it all ended the same way. "I think Rachel's death is somehow involved in all of this," I said one day after finishing my homework. Sam and I were at his apartment working on school work for the next day. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the couch and his books on the coffee table in front of him. I sat behind him on the couch, my legs crossed under me, with my books in my lap. "I still have the suicide note. It might be something to look into."

Sam sighed, closed his books, and turned to look at me. "Didn't I tell you not to worry about any of this? That I was going to handle it?"

"I know, but I can help and use my ability to see what I could find out. Like I did with Evan."

"No way." He said, standing up. "Every time you see someone else's memories it seems to affect you worse than the time before."

"But it's been a month Sam, and we still don't know anything."

"I have it under control!" he snapped, and for a moment his walls fell. For a moment I felt how helpless he was feeling, how mad he was at himself, how much he hated himself for not being able to protect me, but only for a moment. I didn't think he even noticed his walls fell, and I didn't tell him. I didn't want him to know I caught a glimpse of the feelings he was hiding from me. It would only make him feel worse.

After that I never brought it up again. I didn't want him to ever feel that way, but that didn't mean I let it go. Instead I did exactly what I knew he was doing. I was still digging, trying to find out what was going on.

The first few weeks after Jay left were some of the hardest. We tried to talk as much as we could, but since I was keeping so much from him now it was getting hard to hold a conversation. Corey wasn't talking to me; in fact I hardly saw her, or Evan. The few times I did pass them in the hallway Sam's defenses were high. He wasn't going to let Evan say or do anything to me again.

Thankfully, although I had lost Corey's friendship, our group of friends stuck with me. "Hey, Riley." Becca said to me one day at lunch, while we were waiting for everyone else. "How are you doing?" She was still worried about how I was taking Jay's move even months later. She wouldn't admit it, but she was also worried how I was taking losing Corey as a friend.

"I'm fine," I smiled.

"Have you talked to Jay lately?" she asked, testing if I really meant what I said.

"Yeah." I said, holding up my phone. "We text all the time."

"Oh." She smiled. "So you heard about his decision to go to college there."

"I knew he really likes New York," I said, trying to shrug off that he didn't tell me that.

"Yeah, he said he had just gotten accepted to Columbia. He is really excited about it."

"Oh," I said, keeping a straight face as I quickly sent a text to Jay.

Ur going to college there?

 Why didn't you tell me?

"Have you decided where you are going yet?" Becca asked.

"No," I sighed. "I got accepted a few places. Just haven't made a final decision."

"What's Sam doing?" she asked. "Are you guys gonna go to the same college?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. I knew she was trying to help but this conversation was not making me feel any better.