Chasing After You

40

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I looked at my watch and it was 5 minutes already since I went out. Nakaupo lang ako sa may gutter sa labas habang hinihintay si Cloud na dumating. I don't even know if he was serious when he said he will go here at this hour, but Cloud never failed to do what he said. Kapag sinabi nito, ginagawa nito.

Niyakap ko na lang ang sarili ko habang hawak ko ang singsing na binigay sa akin ni Cloud. Natatakot pa rin ako sa posibleng mangyari ngayon. Natatakot pa rin ako na maaaring ngayong gabi, maaaring dito kami matapos na talaga ng tuluyan ni Cloud.

Was I being impulsive again when I called him and asked him to talk to me because I felt like I really needed to talk to him...

My plan is to actually apologize to him... for everything that I did. Once and for all, acknowledge all the things I did and I didn't do. Say sorry to him and be accountable for what happened.

There's actually no excuse on how I stupidly believed other people than him. Mali ako roon at kahit na ano pa ang gawin ko, hindi ko naman na maibabalik ang nangyari at mababago pa iyon. What I have is now and I want to be held accountable for that.

Galit si Cloud dahil sa ginawa ko? I will keep apologizing and I will try to make up for it. He's hurt? I will keep trying and show him how sorry I was for doing that thing. I will show him how much I love him, even though I know he's doubting all of it.

When I broke up with him before, I thought to myself, I will get over it. We're too young, and maybe we're really not meant to be together. Inisip ko rin noon na imposible na ring magtagpo ang landas namin ni Cloud dahil sigurado ako noon na hindi naman na ako nanaisin ni Cloud na makita pang muli.

But I was wrong.

I was so wrong on many things.

Hindi dahil bata pa kami noon, wala lang ang naging relasyon namin. It sees no age, actually. I never stopped loving him even though I thought I did. Hindi siya kailanman nawala sa puso ko.

I unconsciously look for him in the people I meet. Hinahanap ko ang katangian niya sa kanila, hinahanap ko si Cloud sa kanila. That is also why I just stopped opening myself to anyone.

Napalingon ako nang makita ko ang paparating na sasakyan. Tumayo naman ako kaagad at hinintay itong tumigil sa harapan ko. It was Cloud's favorite car.

Hinintay kong bumaba ang salamin ng sasakyan ngunit lumabas ang lalaki sa sasakyan at diretsong tumingin sa akin.

"What are you doing outside? I told you to just wait for me and I meant inside your room."

Hindi ako nakapagsalita habang nakatingin lang sa kanya. Nakita ko siya sa Sweet Desire ngunit hindi ko naman siya natitigan dahil may kasama ito... nakita ko rin siya sa opisina ni Daddy noong nagdesisyon itong umalis na...

At ngayon ko napagtanto kung gaano ko na ba siya gustong yakapin.

I missed him so badly.

"I..."

He walked towards me and put his jacket on me. Tinignan ko siyang muli at seryoso pa rin ang mukha nito. It was almost 2:20 in the morning and we're standing outside our house.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan na kausapin si Cloud...

"So...?" he asked and looked at me.

"I..." I clenched my fist and looked down. His voice was cold, his stare was also cold. Para siyang walang pakialam sa akin.