The Way Of Life

TW!
83:
I don't think people realise how hard it is to know what you are going to do with your life now that school is over,
Especially when you never planed on living this long.
-Nex

84:
I am so scared to fail and disappoint people.
-Nex

85:
I don't think that I'm good enough or smart enough to become an Astrophysicist and that hurts.
Because that has been my dream for so long and I really thought that I could do it but I guess not.
-Nex

86:
I feel so empty and alone amd I don't know what to do anymore.
I thought this was over but I guess it was just a break.
I hate this.
I want help but I also don't want help at the same time.
I want to get worse because that is what I know.
That is who I am.
How fucked up is that?
-Nex

87:
I'm an artist but never the muse
I'm a choice but never chosen
I'm always listening but no one listens to me
I love so much but I'm never loved
I put my heart and soul into something but it's never enough
I'm always trying but I'm never enough
I'm cute but never beautiful
Always seen but never known
-Nex
"Allways an angel,
Never a god"
-Boygenius

88:
"Opportunities only last a moment,
regret lasts a lifetime"
So let's fucking go, stop worrying and go live your dreams!
-Nex

TW!
89:
I don't know who to tell this.
I don't really see a reason to be alive.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I don't want to go to University.
I don't think I'm ready for that.
I don't know if that is really what I want to do with myself.
But I don't want to disapoint anyone.
I don't know what to do....
-Nex

90: Who am I to complain?
"Others have it worse" is something my Dad always says, like it means nothing.
I don't think he understands how much that hurts.
To know that he will never take me, my problems, my mental health and my feelings serious.
I feel like I have to make myself sicker in order to be valid or to deserve getting help.
I want to see how bad things can get just to prove a point to my father.
How fucked up is that?
But who am I to complain, right?
-Nex

91: Pain
"My heart hurts" is what I sobbed into my best friend's arms.
I didn't know what that meant back then, but now I do.
I was so sad and hurt mentaly that I started feeling physicly sick and my heart started to hurt.
I never wanted to feel like that again.
But here we are, I hate this, all of it, I just want it all to stop.
What did I do to deserve all of this?
Am I that bad?
Is this Karma?
Will it ever truly get better?
-Nex

TW!
92: Anorexia
This familia feeling of hunger is back...
When I loose control over everything I start to starve myself again to feel like I have some control.
It's a fucked up thing to do but I can't help it it's a deseas.
I'm weak, tired and angry but I don't want to be like this...
I want to be happy, energetic and in love with life but I'm just not.
This sucks and I just keep going in curcles amd I can't seem to break free from this hell.
I just want all of this to stop, I can't do this anymore.
I want life to leave me the fuck alone but I also don't want to feel so lonely all the time.
This shit dosen't even make sense anymore.
-Nex

TW!
93: lonely
My depression makes me feel so alone.
This voice in my head is telling me that no one could ever really love me because I'm not perfect.
It makes me sad and hate myself.
I can't stop these thoughts.
I'm scared that I will forever feel so alone, that I will never truly feel loved or belive when someone tells me that they love me.
Maybe I don't deserve to be loved or to feel love...
-Nex