The Way Of Life

143:
I starved myself on your empty promises and unfulfilled love declarations.
The love was long gone but both of us were to stubborn to let go
Yet the only one to get sick was me
-Nex

   

144:
I feel so much and so deeply,
It is a blessing and a curse
People constantly say that I am to emotional
But they just don't understand that I have no choice but to react when I feel all these things
It is just to much to hold back
It is a beautiful tragedy to break your own heart over and over again.
-Nex

TW!
145:
I will never understand how other people can look at their reflection without wanting to punch it.
-Nex

146: to myself: I'm sorry, I love you
The person I have hurt the most in my life is myself,
I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering I have caused you at such a young age.
But I promise you it will get better,
You will get better,
There is light at the end of this very long tunnel,
You just have to get through it,
Take my hand,
You've/ we've got this,
I believe in you/ in us
And remember: you are worthy of love!
-Nex

147:
You broke my heart and I never recovered from that.
Because every time I got close to recovery you stabbed my heart again.
And even though you aren't a part of my life anymore you still manage to hurt me.
And now there is nearly nothing left of me but you still come back to hurt me.
Please just leave me alone.
-Nex

TW! > the following poem is open for interpretation
148:
Knowing that you will never get away with what you did,
because you and I will always remember,
is enough for me.
I know that my face will forever haunt you,
there is no getting away from me.
Knowing that we both are in pain,
makes my suffering so much better.
See you in hell asshole
-Nex

149:  who am I really?
I have struggled for some years now, to figure out what exactly it was that was wrong with me.
Why sometimes when I looked in the mirror I felt weird, like something was really wrong with me and sometimes I even felt a little disgusted looking at myself. It was like something was missing.
For a while I thought that I just struggled with accepting being Bisexual,
But one day I found a video of someone talking about being Genderfluid and then it hit me,
I felt the same way as that person did.
Don't get me wrong it was a long and hard journey to accept that,
And an even longer and harder journey to be comfortable enough to tell people about that.
It still is, I don't really tell new people that I meet that I am Genderfluid,
I also still struggle with telling people my name is Nex when I introduce myself.
But I am fortunate enough to have friends and family who accept and support me.
So here is a huge thank you to all of you (I really hope that I don't forget someone but if I do just know that I am so sorry):
Lucas: thank you so much for being my number one supporter, I love you!
Valentina: thank you for always being at my side, I love you!
Celine: thank you for being such an amazing understanding friend, I love you!
Lilli: thank you for being like a sister to me to whom I can look up to even tho you are only a few days older than me, you are such an inspiration to me and I love you!
Karla: thank you for being so open and always making me laugh, when I am with you I can forget everything, I love you!
Charlotte: thank you for never questioning me, you are an amazing person and you will do amazing things, I believe in you and I love you!
My uncle: thank you for being such a supportive uncle and calling me Nex, that makes me so happy and I appreciate that so much, I love you!
My father: thank you for buying me the Genderfluid flag and getting Nex engraved on my IPad and Pencil,
To the rest of my family: I know you are doing your best and I don't want to ask for more, thank you for not telling me that I am being dramatic or to young to know what I am, I love you!
-Nex

TW!: depression
150:like father like daughter
I don't think you can even begin to understand what it is like to be afraid of your own mind.
My body and my mind are two completely different things, constantly fighting.
I am constantly in so much pain just trying to ignore my thoughts.
I am exhausted and the smallest inconvenience makes me angry,
And I hate myself for getting angry all the time,
But everything is just so overwhelming,
I can't help the way I feel.
Being angry is really easy,
But I am so ashamed of that.
I'm trying not to be so angry all the time,
I really am,
Because it makes me feel like my father
And I really don't want to be like him.
I hate my father's anger,
And I think that that is why I hate myself as well,
I hate having my father's temper.
-Nex

151:my father was my greatest heartbreak
I've lost count of the amount of times I have imagined what I would do if I somehow got the chance to meet my father when he was a child.
I hoped that I could maybe start to understand why he is the way he is,
That there is a perfectly good reason for his behaviour,
But the truth is I know what his childhood was like,
I've spent many hours talking to my grandparents about it.
And nothing ever happened that could explain my father's behaviour.
Meeting him as a child would not change anything,
It wouldn't help me one bit,
It would just hurt more.
But the question still remains,
Why am I not enough for my father, why can't he just tell me or show me that he loves me and that he is proud of me?
What more do I have  to give?
I will die on that hill,
Of never knowing what I did or more so didn't do to deserve all of this pain he has caused me.
Without an explanation I will never get over this,
I will never be able to move on, to let all this pain and suffering behind me.
He will never set me free
-Nex

152:love
I promise you that I would love you to the end if I could,
But the truth is that I can't,
I don't know how to love,
I never learned to love someone.
My parents don't seem like they are in love,
So how should I know what love looks like,
I don't feel loved, not really,
So how should I know what love feels like.
But I promise you that I would love you till the end of time if only I would know how to.
-Nex

153:dear reader
This one is fore you.
I hope this sends you free.
You can't save everyone,
Your  friends and families wellbeing is not your responsibility,
You don't have to carry the weight of the world,
Put it down, it is not yours to suffer under.
I think you already know that,
But i hope that reading this, reading someone else to agree with you can set you free.
Believe me when I say that I know how hard it is to let go of something you have been doing for so long,
But it is time,
Time to focus on yourself.
You deserve to put yourself first,
You deserve love and to be loved.
Take a break,
Just breathe for a while,
Let go of the pain all this has caused you.
And now go on and live your life,
For yourself, live like you want to,
Stop worrying about everyone around you.
Go and be free you deserve it.
I love you and I am proud of you.
-Nex

154:change isn't always bad
You say I have changed like it is a bad thing.
The world is constantly changing and evolving,
I am doing what everyone else is doing as well,
I am adapting to the world,
And you should too.
You say I have changed in such an accusing tone,
Yes I've changed,
I had to or all this pain and trauma would have killed me,
I did what I had to in order to survive,
And you don't get to tell me that me changing is a bad thing when I had no choice,
You never helped me,
You just stood by and watched me suffer,
So yes I changed but so what,
You never changed,
You are still the same shitty person,
And you will always be like this,
So what is worse,
Changing and possibly getting better or staying the same and forever being a bad person?
-Nex