The Way Of Life

191:
I am laying in bed, in the room right next to yours,
Both of our doors are wide open,
I am laying in bed, with my hand over my mouth,
Trying to stifle my cries,
Because I don't want you to hear me break apart.
-Nex

292:
I hate the excuse "it is their first time living too" or "it is their first time parenting".
People keep telling me that whenever I talk about my parents and how I feel like they failed me as parents.
And for one it is not their first time parenting, I am their second child, they had 3 years to figure out if they really are good parents before having me,
And sometimes I feel like they made the wrong decision having me.
Because they ruined my first time living
-Nex

293:
I feel like every time I break it is just to entertain someone,
Do you like to see me suffer?
-Nex

294:
Every once in a while my father gives me a glance of what a normal, healthy and happy relationship with him would look like,
And every time that happens it is like a knife to my heart,
Because I ask myself why we couldn't have that all the time, especially when I was younger.
I stay up all night thinking about what it was that I did in order not to deserve a loving father.
No matter how old I get, that question will never be answered,
That is the mystery of my life
-Nex

TW!

295:
I want to be buried alone,
I want my death; my grave to reflect how I lived my life,
Alone.
I don't want to be buried with my family, with my parents,
I don't want Strangers that walk by my grave think "oh look, a happy family, all buried together, how great"
Because my family isn't happy nor great,
We are all falling apart, just pretending like we are holding together.
I want to be free when I am dead,
I don't want to live a lie anymore.
That is why I want to be buried alone.
-Nex

296:
Music unites,
Every good conversation I had with my father were about music,
When we talk about music we can put our differences aside,
And for that moment we are alright.
I love the power music has.
-Nex

297:
You once swore to me that you would never hurt me,
Yet you still left me when I needed you the most.
You clawed your way into my heart,
Only to rip a hole into it when you left.
You made me bitter
-Nex

298:
It is my mother's birthday today,
My sister gifted her a book filled with favourite memories of her friends and family.
My father wrote 4 pages filled with so much love,
I can't help but wonder why he is only now showing this love to her, to anyone in fact.
I can't help but wonder why he isn't able to show this love of his he has,
Or is it all just a lie?
Why is it that he can only write down how he feels when he is asked to do so, why can't he take that initiative himself?
And why the hell does this still fucking bother me?
If know that man for 19 years of my life,
I know  how he is,
I know he won't change.
Why can't i just let it go?
-Nex

299:
Growing up I was told I wasn't a good or easy person,
That it was hard to love me or even impossible,
But you make me feel like I can be a good person, like I am a good person,
You make me feel loved, heard, understood, seen, you make me feel like I matter.
And I am so incredibly grateful for that, for you, to have you as a friend.
And I will spend the rest of my life giving you back all that love you so easily give to me!
-Nex

300:
I get angry and I scream and I cry,
Do you finally hear and see me now?
Is this what you wanted?
Did you want me to be just like you?
To ruin my life like and myself just like you did?
I scream at the mirror,
But starring back at me is my father,
That is when I finally snap,
I smash my mirror,
And with that I killed us both...
-Nex

THE END