The Way Of Life

Foreword:
These pages hold my life.
A story about a little girl that had to grow up to fast because of how she felt and how she was treated. At the end you may think that I am so strong but honestly it's all just an act.

Trigger warnings: self harm, eating disorder (starving), mental health problems (depression), family problems, daddy issues, suicide (atempt) and suicidal thoughts

YOU ARE LOVED <3

Spoiler alert:
This story does not end well

1:
The reason why we don't let go of the things that hurt us is because we are scared that these things were the only reasons we felt something at all.
-Nex

2:
I'm scared to heal,
because I don't know who I will become when all this pain that ruels over me is gone.
And that is really fucking scary.
-Nex

3:
What do you do when you start to make yourself more sick because someone tell's you that you aren't sick enough.
I don't know who I became, this person is more broken than I ever thought I could be.
This isn't even rockbottom anymore it is Hell and the worst part is there is no way back up for me,
all help is to late now.
All I ever wanted was for him (my father) to love me.
-Nex

4:
I don't belive in God because he either has power and dosen't use it to stop the pain that people suffer, which makes him a horrible creature or he dosen't have the Power to stop those bad things from happening and in that case I don't want to think so highly of something that dosen't deserve it.
-Nex

5: Love
You were the iceberg to my boat.
At first the weather was clear but than a storm came up and I didn't see you comming.
And before I could do something I drove into you.
At first it seemt like I was just scraged but I went under so fast there was nothing stopping me.
I broke at your love.
-Nex

6: Dirty secret
I'm angry because of my father.
I truly am my fathers daughter even though I hate him.
Growing up I just wanted a Dad that loved me and he wanted a perfect child.
We both didn't get what we wanted,
but at least I tried...
-Nex

7: love no.2
I have blood on my hands.
Because I killed myself by believing you loved me.
-Nex

8: daddy issues
The only person I was ever truly afraid of was my father.
I have daddy issues because he was around but he was never there for me.
-Nex

9: apology
Therapist: "Who is one person you own an apologie to but they never got one?"
Me: "Myself. I never said sorry for the way I let others treat me or for how I treated myself.
So it's me, I deserve a fucking apology!"
-Nex

10: She is perfect
People put her through a lot because they think that she is so strong and can handle it. Because she never shows a reaction to their harmful words.
I am her,
I do care and It hurts me.
But I created a character and she is perfect.
So perfect that she never talks back or shows when she is hurt.
She is perfect in every way,
I become her when I can't be myself. Which sadly enough is quite often.
-Nex

TW!
11: sorry
She said sorry too often.
She apologized for apologizing too much.
She said sorry like it was a greeding. She apologized for everything that went wrong, becuase she labelled herself as a disaster.
She was sorry for not beeing good enough. No one ever told her that she was something more than the mess inside her head and the tsunami inside her heart.
So all she learned was to apologize for every single breathe she took. That's why it was no suprise that her last words were "I'm sorry" when she closed her eyes and let go of her last breath. But she was at peace after such a long time she was finaly happy and no longer sorry.
The only one who ever deserved an apology was herself that's why her last words were "i'm sorry" and the reason she was finaly happy so go and apologize to yourself you deserve it.
-Nex