The Way Of Life

213:vipers
Bitter voice, venom dripping tone,
Lies that slither around our friend group,
Poisoning their minds, clouding their judgement,
Killing every bit of empathy they had to offer,
Only leaving behind your bite marks.
-Nex

214:
There is this thread woven through my life,
A thread that is made out of tragedy,
A thick material that is long lasting,
It is woven so tightly around my soul that it is suffocating me,
It is threaded like a web,
Holding me ion place,
I can't escape it,
It is to strong to cut through,
This thread of tragedy will follow me into eternity.
-Nex

215: I'm a sister not a therapist
I don't want to get mad at you for talking to me about things that bother you,
But I can't help but think about all the times you told me that you didn't understand my problems and didn't want me to talk to you about what bothers me anymore,
So why should I have to listen to your problems?
I am a bitter person and I can hold a grudge for a very long time,
I feel like you use me to dump all your shit on me,
I am not a therapist,
I don't have a place where I can put down all the things you drop on me,
I am suffering myself and you know that,
So why do you still come to me with all your things?
I know that I never specifically said that you should talk to me about all that stuff anymore,
But I have gently hinted at it.
I also feel like I can't really help you,
Because most of the advices that I give you, you ignore,
And if you just want to tell people about your problems you have friends and a therapist for that.
I am sorry but I am done trying to help you,
I have to put myself first here,
Because your pain has started to have an effect on me and I can't handle that at the moment.
I hope you know that I tried my best to help you.
I know that you have got this.
And it's not like I am gone out of your life,
I just need to take some distance from your problems.
I really hope you understand.
-Nex

216:dark secret
I think what a lot of people don't understand is that I have found comfort in my suffering, in my pain, in my sadness,
Overall in my depression,
That is what I know,
I have felt like this for so long and I will continue to feel like this,
I have built my life around it,
I have built my personality around it,
I can't function without feeling like this.
-Nex

217:more random thoughts
7.your eyes and their paralysing stare are haunting me
8.I'm so sick of you baby and it's never gonna go away
9.your words pierce my heart like daggers but nothing you say to me is ever gonna kill me

218:stupidly in love
I would die for you,
And in a sense I already did,
I chose you over myself countless times,
Thinking if you would be happy I would be too,
But that just wasn't the case was it?
I did everything for you but nothing ever satisfied you.
You happily watched me walk through hell for you,
But god forbid I ever ask you to do something for me in return.
I guess for once my family was actually right,
Love truly makes you blind.
I was oblivious to all the red flags,
But even I have some standards and boundaries that I will never change,
So once you tried to ignore them I knew I had to leave,
I knew I deserved better.
-Nex

219:dear reader
At the end of this book I hope some of your scars have healed,
I hope you realised that you are not alone and that you and how/ what you feel is valid.
I hope that by the end of this you realise that we are all in this together,
Just a bunch of people trying to survive.
-Nex

TW!: SA
220:
My skin is burning,
Fire red as I leave the bath,
A wall of steam follows me out the door,
Scrubbed my skin until it was bleeding,
But I can still feel your hands on my skin...
-Nex

221:
One day all my poems and prose will be found and published,
And when all of you realise that you can't out run your past,
I will be laughing up from hell at all of your stupid faces.
-Nex

222:emotional
You make me sick,
Like physicly and mentaly sick,
I hate you,
And I hate myself for letting you affect me so much.
-Nex

223:
Whispers,
Silent judgment,
Hidden looks,
They think I don't hear them, see them,
That I don't notice them, their actions.
-Nex

224:
We are going in circles, do you notice that?
Stop ignoring my offers and start interacting with me,
I am taking control of the situation so all you have to do is respond but you don't seem to like you don't understand me,
And I don't know how to communicate with you any more clearly than I am already doing.
You don't need to interpret my words anymore because I am straightforward but somehow you still manage to mess up with your answers.
I don't know what to do anymore,
You are giving me nothing,
And I am slowly losing my interest  in you and patience with you...
-Nex

225:bitter sweet
I smile every time your name shows up on my phone,
And then I read your message and my smile drops.
It is like we are having two separate conversations,
You don't understand me and that leads to me not understanding you.
But I am still so happy every  time you respond to my texts it is really embarrassing...
Are we ever gonna get closer or is this what we are now?
-Nex

226:
Silence ain't my thing,
I feel like I have to entertain people all the time or else they don't want to be around me anymore,
I am scared they wont like me anymore if I don't do something to get their attention.
-Nex