The Way Of Life

TW!

155:
I have survived so much,
But I just can't seem to survive myself,
What a beautiful tragedy that is.
There is no one out there that hates me more than I hate myself,
I have survived so may people breaking my heart and putting me through hell,
Yet here I am losing a battle to my own mind,
And there is no one in my life who would even begin to understand what that is like,
No one will ever know how strong I really am,
They will just think that I am weak if I lose this battle,
Because It is not Cancer or heart failure or some other horrible painful think that you can see people suffer with,
In their eyes it is just my mind,
my own fucking mind that is killing me,
The irony in that is just so fascinating.
-Nex

156:
I can no longer tell whether I feel sick because of my depression or because I am actually coming down with something.
I hate when this happens,
I never know what to do about it or how long I will feel like this.
No one around me understands what isa going on,
Because I don't look sick,
So they just think that I am laying in bed all day because I am lazy.
But I also don't know how to tell them that I am not lazy because I don't really know what is going on with me,
And if I don't understand what is happening to me how could I ever expect someone else to understand me.
I just hope that this is over soon.
-Nex

157:
I am not the person my parents wanted me to be,
But that is okay,
Because they are not the parents I wanted either.
The difference is just that I actually tried to be everything they wanted,
But my parents just don't seem to bother trying.
Maybe my depression isn't karma for me but for my parents,
I mean who would want to have a mentally unstable child.
After all life isn't fair and you don't always get what you want.
-Nex

158:
You say your don't recognise me anymore,
I mean did you seriously think that all this shit that happened would change me,
That is just stupid and naive.
Pain changes people,
I became a lot colder and harder than I used to be,
And I don't think I will ever be the old me again.
But that took you a long time to realise.
-Nex

159:
You call me cold hearted and selfish,
But this is nothing,
I could never so much worse,
I could start acting like my father.
Then you would truly know what cold hearted and selfish looks like.
-Nex

160:soul crushing truth
If I would have been a son,
Would you treat me better,
Would you love me?
-Nex

161:fair share
I can feel your anger and frustration,
But you don't feel that way because of me,
So why let it out on me.
I honestly don't understand why you are so mad at her,
She is just hurt,
She doesn't know how to properly communicate,
And I can't blame her,
You never thought us how to do that,
And every time we tried to talk about things that bothered or hurt us you would either dismiss us or say that we are overreacting,
And now you are wondering why both of your children don't come to talk to you about things that bother them anymore.
And it is not because you are the worst mother in the world like you always like to say,
It is a lot simpler than that,
It is because we know no matter what you won't understand.
So why even try?
-Nex

162:
What we had still haunts me,
And it hurts a lot more knowing that I am the only one that feels that way.
For some reason I always feel more than the other person.
-Nex

TW!
163:
The painful part about writing poetry is that I have to relive all these painful memories.
But if I don't write I have nothing to deal with these things.
So I write because that is better than hurting myself in another way.
-Nex

TW!
164:Depression that one annoying friend that dosen't leave you alone even when you beg them to
The days start to bleed into one another again and I don't know what to do.
I have been in this place countless of times but every time I am back here I forget what to do, how to be, how to get out of here again.
It is like all of the things I have once overcome are back as if nothing ever changed.
My depression holds me in a chokehold and I don't know how to get out of it,
Every time I think I have done it and my life starts to get normal I end up back in this dark hole,
And it is like I have never left.
-Nex

165:my father's angry eyes
Every time I zone with a pen in my hand I start to draw eyes,
For the longest time time I thought I did that because they were easy to draw,
But it turns out they are my fathers angry eyes piercing through me every time I did something wrong,
And in his eyes I always did something wrong.
I draw my father's angry eyes as a reminder to stay focused because he would get mad at me if I stopped being productive.
I fear that my father's angry eyes will always haunt me.
-Nex

166:delicate fingers
I think it is kind of funny how as a child I wanted to play the piano,
I never really started doing that,
But now as an adult my fingers skim over the keyboard of my laptop like the once of a pianist,
I creat art with my words like a musician with notes.
Dreams do become true but sometimes not the way you originally imagined.
-Nex

TW! ed
167:
You tell me how pretty I have gotten because I lost some weight,
Only to use that compliment as a gateway to bring up your own weight and make me feel bad for you.
Anorexia is a very competable disorder.
And I am sorry that I made you feel like you aren't skinny enough,
That was never my intention,
I am trying so hard to get better but recovery is a very rocky road,
But I know now that what you look like or your weight is not dependent on how much people love you.
You are perfect the way you are and you deserve to be and feel loved no matter  what!
I love you and I don't care what you look like!
I am going to go and have some pizza,
I hope you are going to go and eat something you like as well.
And remember you are special much more than your weight!
-Nex

168:T, M, L
History is repeating itself,
And I somehow always end up on the wrong side of it.
How do I always end up feeling used?
Is it all just casual to you?
How do I stop feeling everything so damn much,
It's really not fair how everyone else is so detached.
-Nex

169:
I truly belive that my great grandma would be so proud of me for everything that I have accomplished  and she would be so supportive of me and my dreams.
She was a great woman and I really miss her.
-Nex

170:
I grew up with an angry man in the house,
This means that there will always be an angry man in my life no matter what I do,
I am drawn to them,
like a moth to light.
-Nex