The Way Of Life

TW!

189:
You don't get to tell me that I am overreacting,
When he literally made me want to kill myself.
I will never get over that and I don't have to!
I still to this day feel so unwanted, unloved and overall, so alone.
And I fear that that feeling will always linger in the very depths of my soul,
It is burnt into the roots of my being.
-Nex

190:
I've been the best I can be, and it wasn't enough.
So, I am done trying.
Just leave me alone and find somebody else you can push around until they break.
-Nex

191:
We are so "So Long, London" by Taylor Swift coded, it is killing me.
I gave you everything I had only to get little parts of you in return.
I stayed and tried to help you,
I saved you and almost killed myself in the process.
Only for you to say that I walked away.
I had no choice; YOU gave me no choice.
I had to leave, or you would have destroyed me,
I would not let this be my end,
You didn't deserve all that I gave you.
-Nex

192:toy
I feel so used,
You played with me like some toy.
And when you were done, you tossed me in a dark corner and left me there like a forgotten toy.
I stayed there for years until you remembered me,
So, you played with me some more only to realize that I wasn't what you wanted anymore,
So, you placed me into a donation box in case someone DOSE want me.
-Nex

193:"the smallest man who ever lived" aka my father
you are a coward who hides behind his anger. I loved you so much as a child, I saw you as a hero, working hard and still being there. But the older I got the more I realized that I build this image of you that I loved but it was nothing like you. You are hard working I give you that and I know that your job isn't easy but that is not an excuse to treat your family like this.
Every time there was a problem you either looked away and pretended that it wasn't real, or you got so mad because you thought that we blamed you and you felt the need to defend yourself. I know that the reason why I hate you so much is because I am so much like you, and I hate myself for it as well. I know I wasn't an easy child and I too had made some mistakes and did/ said somethings I shouldn't have but none of that means that I deserved to be treaded like this.
YOU made the decision to have children, you Should have been aware and prepared that that wouldn't always be sunshine and rainbows 24/7.
All I ever wanted was for you to love me, to make me feel loved by you and I didn't need you to understand me, I needed you to not toss me away and tell me I am overreacting when you didn't. Because that just made everything so much worse for me.
I want you to think about how hard it was for you to accept the fact that I am depressed and that my depression was not easy on anyone. But just imagine how much worse it was for me, I couldn't escape my own mind.
You only ever saw parts of it never even how bad it could actually get for me.
And yet you still tell me it wasn't easy with me because of MY depression.
Yet you can't even begin to understand how much I suffered/ how much I still suffer.
And you are the cause for some of that suffering. YOU failed ME as a parent and made me responsible for your mistakes. And I will never forgive you for that.
There were times where you made me want to kill myself and I will never forgive you for that.
I hate Christmas and all the happy families,
wondering why we couldn't be like them, the fact that you can't love me, and our failed relationship will forever haunt me, the thought of what could have been will stick with me forever. I can only ever dream of a healthy and happy father daughter relationship. I fanatcise about who I could have been if I had a different father all that lost potential is the greatest loss of my life.
You ruined me. And I hope that you will one day see what you did.
And the bitter part of me wishes that you suffer because of it.
Just to get a little taste of what I felt all those years.
And lastly, I want you to know that there isn't anything you can do to ever make up for all the things that you have done, all the pain you have caused me.
No apology, no time you want to spend with me, NOTHING!
I will always hate you and see you as the failliour that you are.
Sincerely
The daughter you couldn't love
-Nex

194:star-crossed lovers
I don't want to think about all the things we had,
Everything we could have been,
If you just would have put in some more effort.
I believe we would have been a great team,
Maybe we could have been soulmates
It pains me so much to realize
All we could have been,
We almost had it all,
But you didn't make the last step.
I think that this almost, our almost
Will haunt me for eternity,
I will look for you in every person I will ever meet,
To me you are the one that got away.
I will mourn what we could gave been until the day I die.
And the worst part about that is that I know that you don't feel the same about us,
You will move on or maybe you already did,
Like nothing ever happened,
Like this wasn't important.
-Nex

195:random rant lol
I was only ever a party smoker,
And I barely go to parties,
So please someone explain to me why the fuck I have this urge to start smoking all the time?
Like it makes no sense, I don't even like the taste of cigarettes.
And I also haven't had a cigarette in like over 6 months,
So why am I think about smoking all of the sudden, it makes no sense, I am so confused.
I am not gonna start smoking cause I have no reason for it, but I can't shake the feeling.
Maybe I am going insane,
Who knows honestly.
-Nex

196:
I think it is kind of funny how I stay loyal,
Like it doesn't matter what you did to me I will very rarely talk shit about you.
Your secret will forever be safe with me even if you don't deserve to be protected.
I am just that type of person,
To good for my own good.
-Nex

197:doubt
Waiting anxiously for an acceptance letter from university is really a form of torture.
I am so scared that I am not good enough for this university.
I mean I already had my chance,
And I left because I wasn't happy there.
I should have just sucked it up and carried on.
Now I will probably never make something out of myself.
-Nex

198:self sabotage
I don't need people to hurt me or ruin my life,
I can do that all on my own.
And I have been doing it all my life.
Why you ask,
Well the answer to that is really simple:
1. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy.
2. I hurt my self before anyone else gets the chance to because I feel like I can handle the pain better when I am the one doing it to myself rather than other people doing it to me.
It is fucked up I know that but I can't stop doing it,
This has become a big part of who I am.
I am a coward,
Sabotaging myself because I am to scared to see where things might go if I just let it happen.
-Nex

199:
The reason I always write poems about sad things and things is because people don't need to feel understood or less alone or be comforted when they are happy.
Being happy is something that comes naturally, it is socially acceptable and no one has to explain why they are happy.
So why should I write about something that isn't an issues?
I publish my poems so people can feel less alone and understand that what they are going through is valid.
I care about others and I see how hard the people around me fight.
I want to help people, that is why I publish my poetry.
I don't care about fame or money or any of that shit.
I want to heal and I want to help other people heal as well.
-Nex

200:so many unanswered questions
Staring out the window my mind is running wild,
Wondering what I am going to do with my life,
Who so I want to be?
Where do I want to go in life?
What even are my dreams?
And how do I achieve them?
Is it bad that at 19 I still have no clue?
I am just trying to survive.
-Nex

201:
How long did you think I would go on like this?
-Nex

202:
This man is giving me a fucking headache.
-Nex