The Way Of Life

249:
You once smelled like love, sunshine and happiness,
Like everything good in this.
But now...
Now you reek of destruction, pain, hatred and fear.
There is not an ounce of goodness left in you.
-Nex

250:
Ghosts of the people I have left behind still haunt me to this day,
They are a constant reminder that I have not jet escaped anything.
There are still things keeping me bound to this god forsaken place.
-Nex

251:
Your love left my heart beaten black and blue.
But the scars are starting to heal,
The trust I had in humanity is slowly rebuilding itself,
I hope that your scars heal as well as mine did.
I hope that one day you will learn how to love someone without hurting them without making them bleed.
-Nex

252:
All these poems, I wrote so many about you and for you,
But you will never read them,
Never even think about them or me,
To you it's like I never even existed.
And the fact that someone who loved me so honestly can forget me scares me so much...
I made our love everlasting, my poems will never die so our love doesn't either.
-Nex

253:
Our love wasn't fair,
We weren't fair to one another
And we were definitely not fair to ourselves.
It felt like we were at war with each other all through out our relationship,
I have so many battle wounds now,
And so much trauma, I don't know where to go anymore.
-Nex

254:
I still look for you in every room that I walk into,
I know that you won't be there,
But a girl can hope.
-Nex

255:wandering forever
Ghosts are just lost souls needing someone to set them free.
Being so dependent on someone,
Caring so deeply about what others think of you,
Your life is ruled by your attachment to others opinions.
You will never be able to set yourself free.
You are doomed to walk this earth until someone pities you enough to finally allow you to leave and find some sort of peace.
-Nex

256:
I can feel you drifting away from me,
But I am unable to do anything about it,
It is devastating to watch the love you used to have for me leave your eyes,
I watch as you walk out into the pouring rain,
Not once looking back at me,
And ist was in that moment that I finally realised that I lost you forever.
-Nex

257:
I avoid my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror,
Because I can't bear to see the pain and suffering in them.
So don't you fucking dare tell me that you didn't see how much I was hurting,
You just never looked into my eyes to see the truth.
-Nex

258:
The truth is that I died in my parents house,
And I am reminded of that every time I'm back there.
My biggest fear became true,
I didn't survive
-Nex

259:
I wish I could stop coming back to see my parents,
But I need their support financially,
How can I move out and stop all contact with them and still let them pay for my bills,
It doesn't work like that,
But I am to mentally ill to work while going to university,
So I will just have to wait with healing from all this until I am done with university and have a job.
-Nex

260:
Your actions and word's branded my heart,
And I will try to hide that wound for the rest of my life,
Otherwise no one would ever try to love me again.
-Nex

261:
So here we are now,
Sitting in your car in total silence.
I'm looking out of the window fighting back tears,
I'm to scared that my voice is going to betray me and let you hear the heartbreak I am going through in this very moment,
Tho I have no idea why the hell you are staying silent,
But I am used to it by now.
Ironically My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift starts playing,
And I can't help the bitter laugh that leaves me,
Because this song fits us so well.
I did nothing but love you unconditionally,
But you,
You put me through hell.
Your love has always been conditional,
And no matter what I did,
You always found a reason not to love me with your whole heart.
I only ever got bits and pieces of you, you wouldn't miss anymore.
I never understood why our friends said that we are like Romeo and Juliet,
But now I get it,
Our love was intense, toxic and short lived.
But unlike Romeo and Juliet,
Our love only killed me.
So I get out of your car,
Not looking back once as I walk through my door.
Once I hear the door fall close behind me,
I sink to the floor, crying and screaming in agony,
Realising that I waisted so much love, time and energy on you,
And I will never get that back.
So now I will spent so much time on rebuilding my heart from all these shafts that you left behind,
But it wail never be the same,
I will never be the same,
Because some parts of my heart are missing,
So now I have to live with holes in my heart forever.
-Nex

262:
I hope it fucking hurts
-Nex

263:
It's not that I deserve better than you,
I deserve better from you,
You should have been a better person,
Because I know you could have been,
I see the way you treat her now,
And I can't help but wonder why you couldn't be this nice to me,
But maybe I wasn't worth it to you.
-Nex

264:
You may have seen this as momentary,
But it was everything to me.
-Nex

265:
I am sitting outside on some steps in a doorway,
Looking across the street,
My eyes land on you,
You look just as devastated as me,
So I stretch out my hand that was holding a cigarettepack.
You give me a sad smile and make your way over to me,
Sitting down next to me taking a cigarette,
We didn't say a word,
Just stared ahead.
After some time I felt your head on my sholder and I lean my head onto yours.
A tear rolls down my cheeck,
Because I felt so alone the past few months.
I held so much in for so long,
All tose emotions are leaving me now.
I hate it here...
-Nex

266:
I wanted it to be you,
No I needed it to be you,
I really thought we were endgame.
How stupid was that?
-Nex

267: Am I bad or mad or wise?
I am so confused,
Did I get it all wrong?
Ot are you just now changing?
I don't know what to belive anymore.
I don't know if my mind just made it all up to justify my hatred towards you.
I can no longer tell...
-Nex

TW!: Depression

268: Questions that keep me up at night
Please I just want to be happy,
Like truly happy for more than just a short time.
I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life,
I hate my depression.
What did I do to deserve this?
Why me?
What do I need to do for this to finally be over?
Please someone just make it stop,
My heart is heavy and it hurts,
I physicly feel my depression,
This isn't a way to live.
Why can't I just get better?
-Nex

269:
I can't help the tears that set in my eyes every time someone asks me what you were to me,
I tell them that I don't believe in god,
But I did believe that you would be my savior.
I thought that you would be the one to finally take me away from this place and all this pain,
But all you did was fuck me over and hurt me,
Just like everyone else always does.
I don't think I will ever trust another soul ever again.
-Nex