The Way Of Life

121: so many unanswered questions
I feel alone and lost.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I am so affraid of being a failure and to disapoint my parents.
But what good does it do ME, when I push myself into a University just to make my parents proud.
That is not a life I want to live.
But how do you get out of thinking like that?
How do you walk away from all of it?
What do you do?
Cause you have got to do something.
But I have no interests or talents.
I feel like I fail everything I try.
So what do I do now?
Who do I talk to about all of this?
I don't really have any friends anymore.
I stoped talking to them because things got bad again and I pushed everyone away.
I know this is my falt and that I am a shitty friend but I don't know what else to do.
I am not used to opening up about things so I keep quiet.
So tell me, where do I put all this pain when I can't open up to anyone cause I am to afraid?
-Nex

TW!
122:
I hate this, all of it.
Why can't life be easy for once?
Haven't I been through enough?
I don't really want to do this anymore.
-Nex

123:
I kinda hate myslef.
I can't really say why...
I think it is mostly because I don't feel like I'm a good person.
This voice inside my head, the one that belongs to my depression, is telling me I'm not a good person because I push everyone away and I only think about myself.
I mean other people have it worse but like I too could have a better life, so why should I feel bad or guilty for being depressed and hating life?
We all deserve better.
-Nex

124: family problems
I love my family but do I like them?
Most of the time it is just so fucking hard to like them.
All the things they have done and still do, all the pain they have caused me; is it alright to hate them for it?
I feel guilty and ungrateful for not liking them but at the same time I know why I don't.
I have reason for my feelings and actions, I'm not sure they had any when they did what they did.
I will never hear an apology and they will never change their behaviour because they don't see anything wrong with it and that makes things so much worse.
So yeah I love my family but I don't like them.
-Nex

TW! ed
125: daddy issues again
You can't say that you are proud of me even when people tell you that you should be.
You know about my eating disorder but you won't talk about it but what you can do is sometimes very rarely make sure that I ate in your own way.
What the fuck is that, why are you like this?
Why can't you just be a fucking father?
This in between shit isn't working for me. Stop making me hope that you will step up and finally be the father you never were cause it just hurts so much when you do something to fuck it all up again.
Then I would rather you leave me alone.
Stop treating me like shit and just leave, I don't deserve this and you have no reason to be like this.
Nothing bad ever happened to you, you have no excuses to be like this, you are just a fucking asshole who doesn't love anyone but himself.
I hate you so much, I just want to get away from here; from you and never see or talk to you again.
-Nex

126:
I fucking hate my family so much.
Why do they always have to make me feel bad for my choices? It is ly life and if I don't want to do something then I don't have to end of the discussion.
-Nex

127: Waisted potential
I had so much potential as a child, I was smart and ambitious.
I seeked academic validation because I wanted nothing more than to make my father proud.
But all this trauma and pain changed me, I stoped trying because I saw no reason to keep going; nothing I did was ever good enough.
I fell so deep when I realised that I waisted so much time and energy for nothing.
I became so bitter, and just like that it was all over.
I could have achieved so much but I lost the motivation to do so.
One person, that is all that it took for me to give up on all my dreams.
One person holds me in a chokehold, sp that I am still unable to do what I want academically.
„talent isn't genius and no amount of energy will make it so. I want to be great or nothing." - Amy March (Little Women)
I always felt that way but now I just can't seem to bring myself to try anymore...
-Nex

128:
You disrespect me but expect me to still respect you, it doesn't work that way.
You disrespect me and hurt me and I will do the same, my words will shoot to get under your skin.
I will show you no mercy.
I don't want to be the bigger person I want you to feel like I did.
And I have every right to make you feel my pain.
-Nex

129:
I chocked on the bitter taste of my own selfishness.
-Nex

TW!: ed
130: guilt
I was in my room eating some of my easter chocolate when my mother walked into my room and I immediately hide the chocolate even tho I was doing nothing wrong but I just felt caught.
I know that it was stupid to feel that way but I couldn't help it.
After my mother left again I put the chocolate away because I felt like I shouldn't be eating it,
I felt like I didn't deserve to be eating it.
-Nex

TW!: Suicidal thoughts, Depression
131:
Surprise mental illness doesn't go away when you grow up, it grows with you.
It just keeps in coming back and getting worse, I don't know how to handle this.
I need this to end and I don't mean for just a while I mean forever.
I don't want to do this anymore and I also don't think I can do this anymore.
I have no one by my side who understands me or who can help me.
I don't know what to do anymore, it is just so fucking hard.
Everything sucks and I hate life.
I hate living, I didn't ask for this shit.
How do people expect me to get better when I can't escape the people that make me sick.
This is my personal hell and I didn't do shit to deserve to end up here.
-Nex