The Way Of Life

94: scared
I'm scared to move out, which is stupid considering that I always wanted to get out of this house and I still do but I'm scared that I won't be able to live alone.
I'm scared that my mental health will get the better of me and that no one will be there to help me or more so to stop me from doing somethin stupid.
I still suffer a lot and it is not easy but I think it will get worse being alone befor it gets better and that scares me.
What if I'm not strong enough to survive that?
What if I let that voice in my head win?
I'm scared but I don't have someone to talk to...
I don't know what to do because not moveing out isn't an option either.
I need to get out of here or I'll lose it too.
-Nex

TW!
95:
I hate feeling like this.
Why is depression like this?
I can be happy for so long and think that I'm finally better and then out of nowhere everything gets bad again.
And I mean really bad, like it hasn't been this bad in a long time and that actually scares me.
I've been living with depression since I was 13 and I'm 18 now and I still think that it can't get worse than the beginning but now I'm not so sure anymore...
I think this what I'm feeling, thinking and going through right now is actually worse than anything I have been through so far.
I need this to stop I can't take it anymore!
-Nex

96:
I feel so alone in my own house, the place that is meant to be my home.
I hate it here but I don't know why.
I just feel so alone all the time and I can't seem to catch a break.
I took down a bunch of my decoration and know my room looks so empty. I earased myself out of my own room because I couldn't stand it anymore.
What is going on?
How do I stop feeling this, feeling like this?
This is the lowest and loneliest I've ever felt and it's wierd I want this to stop.
Will it get better when I finally move out, or will things just get worse?
What do I do when this won't change?
I don't want to do therapy again.
I hate talking to people about my feelings and thoughts.
I guess I just have to learn how to live with this.
What a lonely life I have ahead of me...
-Nex

TW!
mention of suicidal thoughts
97:
I'm doubting myself again.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I hate feeling like this, I don't know who I am anymore.
I want do get better I realy do but I just don't know how to exist without my mental illnesses, I hate this, I hate myself and everyone around me.
Why do those things happen to me?
Why does shit always happen to those who do not deserve it?
How do I make the pain stop?
I don't want to do this anymore...
I can't do this anymore...
When will it finally get better and stay better?
What do I have to do to get my happy end?
-Nex

98:
I always say that I am rather in pain than numb.
But everytime I feel everything at once and I want to cry and scream my heart out all I wish for is that it all stops.
I don't know how to be happy and I'm not sure I want to be but I also don't want to feel like this.
I don't want to feel so alone because I push my friends away but at the same time I don't want them to see how bad things get for me and I'm scared that I'll annoy them with my problems.
Why can't things just be easy for once in my life?
-Nex

TW!: Anorexia
99:
I was asked if I starve myself because I think that I'm ugly or fat.
The answer is no I don't think that.
In fact I actually like the way I look and I'm a healthy weight, not that that matters.
I starve myself because that is the only control I have about myslef or more so my life.
Also when I'm sad or depression I lose my appetit which makes this a lot easier.
I know that it is stupid and unhealthy and dangerous but I can't stop, it feels to good, as fucked up as that sounds I can't help it.
This became a coping mechanism and sadly it's working.
-Nex

TW!: suicide/ suicidal thoughts
100:
I thought about what I should write for my 100 poem for a long time because I didn't want it to be about this but I just can't think about something else.
For the past 5 years I have been struggeling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
2019 it got so bad that I tried to off myself. 2021 I started taking antidepressants but I stopped taking them this year.
I didn't think that they were helping and I didn't like beeing numb all the time because that just makes you feel like a broken person because you can't feel anything.
I felt a bit better but that didn't last long, which is the reason i'm writing about it now.
Those thoughts returned and I don't know what to do.
I'm just so exhausted of being afraid of my own mind and what it's capable of.
Having to fight yourself to stay alive is so complicated and I don't know how long I can do this.
No matter how many times I've been through this it just alwasys gets worse.
I wish I could be someone else, I wish I could get out of my head and just live for once.
I seriously don't know how long I can go on like this, i'm just so tired and I don't see a point in trying anymore.
I'm not getting better not for long anyway, so why keep going?
My thoughts are an escapeless prision that I tried to get out of for years with no luck, so i'm giving up now.
Doing everyday tasks start to get hard because when I see a knife or pill bottle I get this overwehlming dread because I feel like I can't trust myself with these things anymore.
I hate this, I want to be "normal" and not afraid of myself but I fear that this will never change. I will always feel and think this way until one day when I won't be able to ignore it anymore and actually sucseed at suicide...
-Nex