Book 3: Updating

Chapter 22

The weekend was the worst part. I missed Jesse the most, but I didn't dare go near him. I focused on the twins.

Oliver was able to learn the Vamps were coming in a month. Tony confirmed. Neither knew anything about how the false guards were getting in. They just showed up and started talking out of character. They would exchange information and leave.

After two weeks, I was tired of waiting for Jesse to feel better and come back.

By the second missed Friday dinner, I had enough. After dinner, I gathered my resolve, and walked straight to the guest house.

Jesse was watching TV. He offered me some popcorn from a bowl in his lap.

I couldn't help myself. I was salivating just looking at his body. Maybe this was a mistake. He could really hurt me in this state of mind. I turned to leave.

Wait. Jesse stopped me. Sit. Please?

I cautiously sat beside him holding my breath and trying not to smell him.

Are you ok? You are breathing weird. Jesse asked.

I closed my thighs hard hoping he wouldn't smell me. I couldn't take it. I stood to leave, but Jesse grabbed my hand.

What is wrong? Jesse asked.

Everything. I stated sadly.

I let myself breathe and my heart sank. His smell was so intoxicating. I was wanting nothing more than to throw myself at him, but he could reject me. I could get hurt. I had finally stopped crying.

Oh. Was all he said as he gave me a knowing look before looking back at the tv.

Jesse must have smelled it. He didn't say anything else and offered me some popcorn. I ate a little, trying not to touch him which was torture.

What's up? He asked.

I missed you. I stated looking at the ground ashamed that my body betrayed me so badly. I felt need building. This was a bad idea. I stood up.

Jesse pulled me into his lap and kissed me. Fire lit in my pants, and my heart sped up.

You will hurt me. I began to shake and cry.

I won't. Jesse looked at me calmly. He lifted his shirt to dab my eyes letting me see his body, setting my insides of fire by his close proximity, his scent, and the visual.

You will use me. You don't love me anymore. I am not a whore. I tried to stand up, but Jesse pulled me back into his lap. He kissed me skillfully, placing my hands on his chiseled chest.

Tears fell down my cheeks. I was torn. I wanted him so badly, but nothing was resolved.

If you are here for sex, you can have it. Jesse shrugged, his hands found my breasts

I want love. I said making myself far too vulnerable.

I smelled him and wanted more. Then I smelled something else.

I got up and walked towards his bed. It smelled like sex. I walked out before he could stop me, walked back inside to our bed, and laid down refusing to cry.

I heard the door open and Jesse came in.

Were you with someone else? I asked.

No. Never. Just masturbation. Smell me. All you smelled was me. I promise. He laid down submitting to a search.

I hovered my nose above him and breathed deeply. His teeth could use a toothbrush, he could use a shower, and his package smelled like coconut. His scent made my body react so powerfully, I put distance between us before I lost control.

Have you got a thing for tropical fruit now? I asked.

It is lube. I bought a toy. He stated.

I wasn't satisfied.

I went back outside to his bed again. It smelled like coconut and musk. All Jesse smells though. I smelled the couch and the bathroom, but found no she wolves.

Satisfied? He closed the door behind him and walked over to the closet. I smelled sanitizer. He showed me a toy in a box with coconut scented lube and shrugged. No she wolves. Just me. He confirmed.

I sat on his bed. Why did you stop loving me? What did I do wrong? I asked. I was losing my will to hold out, but I was still so confused inside.

I still love you. I am just broken, and I want to stop hurting you. He explained.

The smell, though not my favorite version of his scent, was making me drip. His proximity was making my reservations diminish. I needed to decide now, or hormones would decide for me.

He sat beside me, laid me back on the bed and kissed me. I kissed him back, my hands combing through his hair.

Can I? He asked looking me over.

Just don't break my heart. I pleaded.

I won't. He promised.

He picked me up, and moved me up onto the bed. He laid on top of me, and made out with me.

You smell so good. I missed you too. He sniffed my neck and then kissed it.

Soon his touches and kisses were having powerful effects on my body. I was ready before he even laid me down. I could feel my mental walls crumbling.

He removed his shirt, placing my hands on his chest. I was relieved to see his mark still there, though some of the details were still faded. He sat me up to remove my tank top. My mark was as brazen as ever. Fang did not share Jesse's sentiments and Samantha was on my side. Our marks showed the feud on our skin. He removed all of our clothing.

After a few moments on my breasts he slid into me. It felt so much better than my vibrator. As he pumped, I moaned enjoying the sensations. It had been so long, I came pretty quickly, and Jesse picked up speed and piggy backed a second orgasm off the first. He tried for a third and got it, but the fourth didn't happen and required more time to build it up. He came with me on the fourth, and laid down beside me pulling me to his chest to hold me.

Do you feel anything for me? I asked cautiously. My body felt better, but my heart hurt. Tears started down my face.

I feel attraction and I care, but I also feel numb. Like my emotions are not trustworthy. I am working on it. I won't hurt you though. I was misplacing all my emotions before. I won't hurt you. I promise. He held me tightly

Is this just for physical relief then? I asked softly not sure I wanted to hear the answer. I feel better than a toy... One tear slipped out of my eye. My body began to shake.

Probably, but it fixed the bond, so maybe you will wake me up emotionally and maybe this time I will handle it better. His answer hurt a lot, but it was at least honest. He rubbed my shoulders encouraging me to calm down. I couldn't hold back the tears.

I could feel his empathy as he mirrored my anxiety. He changed directions. He knew I needed commitment to feel safe, so he went into logical negotiation mode.

I can promise you monogamy, sexual satisfaction, and friendship. I don't know what capacity I have left to love, but whatever I have is yours. Can that be enough for now? Jesse asked entering into a negotiation to get more sex. His lips found mine and I found myself at a disadvantage: I loved him just as desperately as I always had.

For now. I agreed. It was at least some place to start to rebuild. But I want a clause to renegotiate terms at a later date if progress is not made towards a more substantial relationship and a more satisfying level of emotional engagement. I met his eyes.

My little politician. Jesse smiled.

Jesse kissed me hungrily, climbing on top of me to continue what he started. I let my emotions flow over our bond and he was stunned. It was like he was taking a deep breath after holding it for too long. He responded by kissing me more deeply.

I lost count of how many times we had sex and I guess it didn't matter. By the end he was waking up emotionally: he was holding me with feelings in his heart. For once I wasn't crying myself to sleep. I guess that was progress.