Book 3: Updating

Chapter 23

I woke up in Jesse’s arms. I still wondered if I made the right choice last night. He could hurt me now.

I touched his skin, just hoping I didn’t make the wrong choice. I still remembered the sting when he wouldn’t even let me touch his hand. Now here I am naked, vulnerable, and setting myself up for some really deep pain. I just couldn’t help but touch him. I loved him.

Then I remembered him rejecting me and my leg breaking, being yelled at for wanting to brush my teeth, and being pushed away. I was so stupid. I assumed he wasn’t really rejecting me. My mind could not compute. Years of consent and access then an abrupt boundary. Was I wrong?

I would never hurt him. He turned on me. Should I trust him?

So many loving, sweet memories with our bodies like this, but now I was scared.

Jesse woke up while I was deep in thought touching his chest gently.

He picked up my hand and kissed the palm. Then he placed the palm on his cheek and nuzzled into it. I couldn't help but smile.

How are you feeling? Jesse asked reading my emotions.

Scared. I said. Confused.

Of me? He asked.

I nodded.

Why? He asked.

I wonder if I just opened myself up to get my heart broken again. I replied softly.

I won’t weaponize your flaws again. I will take responsibility for myself, and I will talk out the issues I have if they come up. I will try to protect you. I messed up and I am sorry. I should not have reacted to you brushing your teeth. I should have been the one helping you up off the floor. It wouldn’t have hurt me to allow you to hug me. I should have been the one who brought you to the hospital and stayed by your side. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was a mess. I took out my feelings on you. I thought if the abuse was a secret I could pretend it never happened, but it did, and it changed me and knowing about it doesn’t add to nor take away from the work I have to do. I have to trust that the people who watched the video with you are not going to hurt me with that information and that you allowed them to see it with good reason. I have to trust you wouldn’t use that information to humiliate me. I have to remind myself that you have never hurt me. Why would you start now?… He trailed off.

I chose people I knew would not spread the information and that would support us through this. They cannot help us if they don’t know how. Sergeant Davies and Lucian will protect you. Now that they know what happened they know where patience is required. Lucian has had friends and comrades in arms come back changed the same way and no one knew what happened. Now he has an idea of how to help them. No one liked seeing those videos. Lucian watched his father behave abhorrently to save my life. That wasn’t easy. With three witnesses those tapes need not see the light of day again, because they have been viewed and can be confirmed by three notable officials and we will testify rather than let them be shown in to any public audience. We are protecting you. I explained.

But why? Why did you have to watch them? Jesse asked.

The gossip about the baby was spreading too fast. We needed proof in less than three weeks. Thankfully they recorded the abuse of the shifters and the confirmed pregnancy test before you were kidnapped. We will still do the test, but I got the whole story. I could confidently make an announcement and not need to retract it later and cause scandal. I heard there was brainwashing and there was, but not to you. I learned the shifters in our care were innocent and deserved a choice. The truth did not hurt you. I used it to protect you. You are good Jesse. I won’t have anyone believing otherwise. I just needed the truth. I explained.