Fake It - OP

Chapter 26

Blake fell asleep in my arms shortly after I kissed her. Or I guess we kissed each other.

It's been an hour since, and her breaths lightly fan my shoulder while the weight of one of her long legs is draped between mine. She's fast asleep, not snoring, not even lightly like she did back in Saudi, although I didn't mind much. One of her arms is bent across my chest and the other is tucked neatly underneath her. My mind however tired, can't stop replaying the moment in my head.

So soon. I thought, damn. I thought she didn't like me like that. Then to see her like that on the bathroom floor, so- broken with the weight of faking this when she wants it to be real so badly. The way I wish it could be.

I'm laying awake, and despite the long hours of travel, my stinging eyes, and the desperate tiredness plaguing every muscle in my body, one thought keeps smothering any happiness of the moment.

We can't be together.

Not for real. I can't do the seriousness of a relationship while I'm racing. It's impossible, I barely know how to handle my own life in Formula One, I'm still bullshitting my way through every day hoping and praying for the best result so I don't end up being; nobody.

No matter how much my day gets that much brighter when she smiles, or how my body heats when she touches me, or the lightness that spreads through my chest when I just manage to get a glimpse of her, cheering from the back of my garage. No matter how much I've fallen, so quickly, so irrationally and irresponsibly. I can't be what she deserves.

And yet, I need her. I need her in ways I can't explain and ways I can. I need her to get through this first year with Mclaren, with Zak. Or at least until I can sign a renewal contract because without her I look unstable, I look like someone who can't commit to anything in life. For fucks sake I can't even decide what country I want to live in, let alone if I should buy or rent.

Just like Mark has always told me, I'll look like a lost cause if I end this here and now. I can't date Blake, I can't fall in love with her or I'll lose my job. And I can't end this for the same damn reason.

I can feel my heart cleaving clean in two. I want this, I want this so badly, to wake up beside her, to kiss her, to hold her like I want to. Show her off not just because the media is watching and we need to prove a point, but show her off because I love her, and I'm proud she's mine. I felt the frustrated tear roll down my cheek and paid attention to how it rolled down the side of my face while I studied the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on my ceiling by my dad when I was four. We've known each other for such a short time, she'll get over me. Even if I won't get over her.

Tonight I kissed Blake for the first time, and she kissed me.

I should've savoured it more, the feel of her lips on mine, the fireworks that erupted in my stomach, her skin against my hands, the press of her body against mine. I should've made it last so much longer because no matter how my heart tore at the thought.

Our first kiss has to be our last.

I fell asleep with tears still running down my cheeks as I savoured the warmth of her body pressed to mine.