Escaping Hallucinations

Round 32

Date: 9th August 2015

Time: 1:36pm

I can't talk. I want to. I want to tell everyone, my friends, family, Naomi, that I'm going to be okay but...

I can't lie.

I don't know how this happened but I'm in some endless spiral of doom. I need to do my 'negative thoughts' sheet my therapist gave me by tomorrow and I haven't wrote a single thing.

Now, the thing is I can lie. Just not to few people and one of those is you. I've been lying to my family saying I'm fine. I've been lying to my therapist saying that I've stopped cutting.

I lied of course, and I've lied to Naomi, unfortunately.

"I am happy with you."

Don't get me wrong, I like being with her. It's just, I'm not happy. I can't be happy. So, I went missing, just online.

They were worried of course. All of them. They had no idea what caused me to break down. Then, I came back. Why you ask? Apparently whilst I was isolating myself from everyone, they were fighting with each other. Why?! What reason is there to hurt people and do this?

I had to know what was going on, so I asked them all. I also asked them why they wanted me to come back.

Momoko, well I can't even remembered what she said. And Sai, what did he say? I don't think he actually said anything.

Nicole was offline so she saw none of it until later on.

Naomi told me all the reasons she wanted me back but I still wasn't convinced. But why me? You could say that to anyone else.

I don't get anything people say. I don't get it at all.

"We understand you, we know how it feels."

YOU DON'T. YOU DON'T AT ALL.

You don't know what it's like to crave blood and want to torture your own friends now do you?

No, you don't. You won't even tell me anything.

This morning, I received a message from Naomi saying that she hopes I can come back soon. She gave up with the begging, she now just waits for that moment for me to talk.

The thing is, I don't want to come back, I want to stay in this world I'm in. I....I don't actually know where I am now.