Escaping Hallucinations

Round 39

Date: 27th August 2015

Time: 8:03pm

Ugh...I hate everything. I can barely stay alive...it's just so hard...

"It's not that hard to live."

Huh? Well to me it is. Is it just me?

"Just you and people with fatal illnesses like cancer."

Oh, well glad to know I'm not the only one feeling that way. I hate feeling alone.

/And that's your first mistake./

"You are. Don't you dare compare yourself to people with those illnesses. Don't you dare put yourself in their level. You know NOTHING of their suffering. I didn't say just you and them to make you feel like you have people with shared pain...I said that to show you that you're acting like you do. You may know hardships but they know TRUE suffering...suffering that you'd know nothing about. Suffering that you can't even comprehensively begin to understand. So yes. You are alone. Because even those suffering people, can find life joyful and are grateful to be given a life in the first place."

Right. Should've thought so. I'm just overreacting again, sorry. I should just shut up, would that make you feel better? Besides you were the one saying that my condition was "oh so serious".

"That's your fault."

It's not my fault I have something wrong with me. Saying that basically implies that people with cancer can blame themselves for having it.

/Ding, ding. Another mistake. You're pathetic./

Huh? What did I do wrong this time?

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE COMPARE YOURSELF TO SOMEONE WITH CANCER! It is YOUR fault for not getting help. It is YOUR fault for letting yourself get worse. It is YOUR fault that your relationships end the same way, with the someone leaving you to protect their own sanity. It is NOT a selfish act to want to protect one's own sanity. But it IS a selfish act, to make them feel bad for leaving you and claiming to be the faultless victim when you OBVIOUSLY are failing to help yourself and thereby help your relationships."

First of all, I'm not comparing myself with anyone with illnesses. You started this whole comparing thing. Each situation is different and there's no need to compare.
Second, what the fuck is it with you? It's like you don't even know what fear is. The fear that something could actually be wrong with you. The fear of needing help. And relationships end the same way cause of me. I agree to that. It's my fault that people choose to leave me. It's my fault people make a choice in life.

I seriously don't understand Nicole. Why the hell is she saying all that stuff?! I'm doing nothing wrong!!

"They don't choose to leave you! They have to! Did you really think that Naomi wanted to leave you??? She fucking had to! She couldn't take it anymore. Your insanity affects other people's feelings. Especially when their as close to you as Naomi was. SHE CARED ABOUT YOU SO MUCH! ALL SHE WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO GET BETTER! BUT YOU DIDN'T GET HELP AND THERE COMES A POINT IN TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO STOP BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU, AND START BLAMING YOURSELF."

"Not getting help" so funny because, having to see a therapist every week, taking trials for antidepressants, seeing psychiatrists about my problems, having to now have a social worker and almost get moved into a mental hospital is totally not getting help. You think I don't get help but really I do. But it just doesn't work.

"That's because there's only so much the therapists and psychiatrists can do for you. Only you can truly fix yourself."

I want to be better but it's not working. But no one understands that cause they're so fucking thick.

/Third./

SHUT IT!!

"I AM NOT THICK
It's not about wanting. It's about doing. You can want something your whole life but if you don't make a damn good effort to get it, you ain't gettin shit."

I'm making an effort. I wouldn't have even been getting help if it wasn't for me admitting myself into hospital. So kindly shut your mouth because you think you know it all when really you don't. And go cry to your stupid boyfriend like you always do I don't care.

"BITCH YOU THINK I NEED A MAN TO PROVE MY FUCKING POINT?!
AND I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM A SAD SORRY SOCIOPATH WHO THINKS THEY HAVE THE SHIT IT TAKES TO BREAK ME
YOU REALLY MUST KNOW NOTHING IF YOU THINK I NEED ANYONE BUT MYSELF WHEN IT COMES TO BULLSHIT LIKE THIS. AND I CALL IT BULLSHIT CAUSE THAT'S ALL YOUR PETTY EXCUSES ARE TO ME."

Right. Cause that's why Levi comes talking to me about our conversation. Cause you don't need him.

"I didn't ask him to he did it cause he loves me enough to want to protect me from bullshit. Though you might not know much about love other than having it fail. I simply wanted his opinion on the conversation."

SHUT IT. Why do people always have to use others as a weapon...? I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!! UGH NAOMI WHY?!

Oh wow this argument with leah and Levi is so fun. I really like getting insulted, whilst they use you as a weapon "Naomi did this" "Naomi did that" Naomi left you for this" blah blah blah. Though you probably wouldn't care, you may have even told them to do this.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!"

What? Huh? What? Something wrong? I'm not the one using you as a weapon. Oh and I apologise for making you leave me, didnt know I could magically do that. I'm sorry for being a sociopath and thinking that when you said you would always love me for who I am you were lying. So pathetic.

Please...

"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! IM SICK OF FUCKING BEING ATTACKED YOU STAY OUT OF MY LIFE YOU STOP THIS!!! I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY LIFE AND I TRIED TO STAY BUT YOURE JUST AN AWFUL SELF RIGHTIOUS BITCH LIKE THE OTHER HUMANS, STAY AWAY FROM ME I DON'T NEED THIS."

Naomi please....don't leave.

People always leave.