Date: 26th August 2015
Time: 6:15am
Slice. Slice, slice, slice.
Finally, I'm finally using this trusty razor blade again. I knew that the weird piece of metal that doesn't do any blood wouldn't be enough. It is for talking.
But not laughing.
Honestly, I am so sick of all of these stupid voices laughing at me. Sick of these shadows, sick of the countless fights with Naomi, Nicole and Eren. Sick. Of. It.
I just hope that with these cuts I could actually stop breathing, get it all away so I can be free and happy.
My arms are covered in blood. Looks like I did more than usual, but I get the feeling it's not enough, I'm just starting. So once again, slice.
I walk around the room, pacing. I'm either sitting down in the same position for hours, or I don't ever stop moving. I keep thinking about the endless times people have told me to get help and see a psychiatrist. I'm scared, they're gonna hurt me. I don't want to get hurt.
About an hour later, I've finally lost all my energy and just collapsed onto the floor. My head is spinning and I feel weak. My arms are still bleeding, maybe I'm losing too much blood? Well, I guess I could call someone....to see how it goes....
How can this be? One minute I was completely calm and now I can't stop crying the moment I get help?! I'm scared, I'm really scared, they're gonna hurt me, my parents are too. I wanna die or just simply disappear.
/Weakling. Crying to the doctors yet again. Such a disgrace./
They call back and I don't hesitate to pick up the phone before my parents do. I don't want them knowing about any of this.
"I think you should go tell your parents."
No, no, no!! I don't wanna do that, I can do that off the phone but no!
"Can you do it whilst I'm still here?"
No....I'm done for. They're gonna hurt me. She's gonna see how weak I can be the moment I go to tell my family. I got to get my parents and explain. I just break down crying and the paramedic at the end of the line is wondering just what the hell is going on. My dad takes the phone off me to talk to her.
"Yeah I don't think she needs an ambulance."
Thanks dad. It just shows how much people care about me. They don't take any of this seriously, not even my therapist.
The ambulance comes and I get taken to hospital. I heard the therapist and paramedics talking about a mental hospital...how I might need to go there....but I don't. They say I'm "safe at home" whatever that means and that, well...there's going to be some changes:
1) New CAMHS worker more local to me (10min bus ride).
2) Got a social worker now; whatever the fuck they do.
3) Have an appointment with a psychologist next week.
Well, we'll just see what really happens.
YOU ARE READING
Escaping Hallucinations
ParanormalTRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm, suicide etc... Robin may seem like a normal girl on the outside, but it's always the inside that counts. She hears voices and she's scared of them. This book is her "diary" containing her thoughts and convers...
