Valeriana

19

Sorry about the wait for this chapter. I just finished band camp and I genuinely didn't have any clue what to write for this chapter.

Also this is just filler for in between plot points because I felt like there was too much plot all at once in the last few chapters lmaoo

CWs/TWs: gender/body dysphoria, mentioned sh thoughts, mentioned suicide/suicidal thoughts/suicide attempts (it does go into detail), mentioned character death, vomiting/coughing up blood, PTSD, making out/lime

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Scar woke up before Grian did, forgetting he'd taken off his binder to sleep and freaking out for a second. He had a brief moment of insecurity thinking about what Grian must've thought about his chest, then remembered all the words of reassurance when he officially came out to his boyfriend. It didn't make all of his bad thoughts go away, but it helped some. It did make him nervous that Grian wouldn't love him anymore since he was afab, even though Grian had said many many times that what Scar's body wasn't what made Grian love him.

Shaking himself and refreshing his thoughts, he slipped out of bed and put on his binder before going to the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror for longer than he should have; the more he stared, the more he looked like a girl. Of course, he did have long hair again, but that was his choice because he liked his long hair. What wasn't his choice was how his features were much softer than Mumbo's and Grian's, or any other guy he knew. Though, Scott had a more "girly" looking face, too, he supposed. Not that it made him feel better.

Scar wasn't one to dwell on how he looked. He hated his face and his body, but it wasn't a big deal. He didn't have to look at himself if he didn't want to. And it wasn't like he would ever hurt himself; he was too chicken to do it even if he really wanted to. Besides, other people usually needed comfort from him so he couldn't be down all the time and make his gender dysphoria his entire personality. Not that he ever tried to, of course, but it did feel like sometimes that's all he thought about or talked about. Typically the topic of conversation never really was him anyway.

Sometimes he thought about killing himself in hopes that maybe the guilt that others felt would make them finally accept him as a boy. He'd spend nights awake in bed thinking of how he could do it in the least painful way possible or how to do it in the most discreet way possible. And he actually tried it a few times.

Once, when he was in the sixth grade, he drank hydrogen peroxide, but got scared when his throat started closing up and he began to choke. He couldn't breathe or talk, so he ran to his parents for help. He was hospitalised for a week and had to have a babysitter to make sure he didn't hurt himself again.

Another time, still in junior high, he tried overdosing on ibuprofen because of his parents' death. He heard someone in his school ended up in the hospital and almost died so he figured if he didn't tell anybody about it then he'd get away with it. However, he ended up getting sick off of it and vomited blood as well as the ibuprofen, which gave his attempt away.

He tried it a third time in his freshman year of high school and was the closest he'd ever gotten to succeeding. He jumped off of the Wool Water Bridge during the early winter and nearly drowned, but was saved by some kid named Bdubs in his grade who was looking for his phone on the riverbank. That was when Scar was the most upset about not succeeding.

Since then, he'd kept everything to himself. His dysphoria, his anger, his sadness, his anxiety, anything that would make other people worry about him. He didn't need the extra attention or sympathy, or anything else like that. It wasn't until his junior year of high school (one year ago) that he began to open up again and talk about things that made him upset. But even still, he kept most of it inside. He was never center of attention if he could help it. Other people's problems were always more important.