Dear Diary

sad

I am sad...
No reason?
Nope... There is
But I just don't know it exactly and it sucks I know but there's nothing I can do about it .

Okay so the very first reason is that today my only friends asked me out on a movie uk the one trending rn Barbie
I know I told everyone that it's just overrated or uselessly hyped but somewhere deep down I know that it is to comfort my own self

And it's okay... everyone does that. its not that ur the only one with excuses and problems
Everyone has their own issues..
But no .. noone knows about my condition noone cares actually . And tho I know my parents are not too easygoing but now I came to know that ive got the typical strict parents... And I'm not complaining as I know it's for my own sake but it just made me think about so many things and I'm just so sad... (No girl don't cry bcos of a jerk like him its not even like he deserves u or anything)
I dunno it's just that I'm so demotivated rn I can't even put myself to study.
God 나 어떡해.. 진짜 슬퍼 슬프다 ..ㅜㅜ

Okay so it's not like there was much between us but atleast it was a situationship and he didn't even think about it
I mean he never cared did he?
He was just I dunno the first one to treat me in a different way and maybe that's the sole  reason
That is the only reason actually ..
He did those things to make me feel some THINGS ...
And then vanished just like that
Thats so cruel .. he shouldn't have done that in the first place . If u are just not ready for anything more just don't do it it's so bad srsly. But I was naive too naive to not understand it at that time and I don't even know why am I thinking of him of all right at this moment of my life
Like he isn't even related to all this.

But still I wanna talk about it all
Cos I think if I put down everything I've experienced with him then I can just get over it better
Gosh I don't even know why am I doing this like it's so pathetic I don't even know if he thinks about me anymore .
But I'm going to continue anyway

(⚠️DONT READ THIS WHEN YOURE FEELING WORTHLESS
YOULL FEEL WORSE )

It all started when I entered this new world of coaching, boys ,van ,stuff ,friends with new personalities and so much more .
It was all so new to me and being from a girls' convent school I never got to experience any sort of male attention nor did I go out on camps or parties or anything like that so basically I never talked to any boy of my age before and I wouldn't even do that only if I didn't join that bloody van
Well it was a new experience for me and I did start to like it a bit but then I came to know that boys my age are super immature and just fuckin care about beauty body u know "typical boys". And yeah me and one friend of mine with similar thoughts as me started to talk more and uk boy stuff but it was always from afar ofcourse ,cos neither of us had the guts ..
So yeah it continued for a while until that person started everything
I SWEAR TO GOD I never started anything...
Like I really  didn't...it was him all the time
So the first time was when there was a  speed breaker idk maybe a road hole or smthn but whatever... the van  kinda bounced up and as he was sitting right in front of me he kept his hand on mine like not literally but just uk for like support and my hand automatically tried to back off (guess it was kinda like a protection move my brain has developed thanks to all that ive been through).. So yeah but ofc he retreated right away but I could see charu watching me and my flushed face and I was really flustered and kept on sitting there like an awkward dumb sack.. 😞(that 기집에)
So yeah that was basically the start of something known as a "situationship".

Well nothing happened for a while then one day when I was running late (I will recall these times when I multitasked and was so stressed about school all the time
Only I know the efforts I've put)so I went with two pigtails from school and they indeed looked good on me or so the circumstances indicate ..
While we were on our way to pick someone he said he wants to sit on the empty seat on his front but as the vehicle was moving and he was in the far corner and so as to not fall ,He  sat beside me instead ...
(Umm nothing interesting?well this day was the most interesting actually)

Our shoulders brushed and then maybe he felt like a spark or smthn idk  he kept on coming closer to me (Gosh...)
And then when the vehicle took a sharp  turn he literally leaned on me and  then idk if by mistake or purposely he stepped on my shoe and leaned again and I was like "Oww... What is wrong with you?"

Well then it caught the attention of others and the ritika girl said "Why are you sitting here you were going to sit on the front seat.."
And then he was like yeah and then he went to that seat
But then after some time is like" I don't wanna sit there" 
And then came to sit beside me again
Now tell me who fucking started it?
Well as more people came he had to shift and I was a bit relaxed
He got me all flustered and stuff I mean it's not normal for me even tho it might be for many other girls
So isnt it correct ,me feeling this way?

Later that day a girl complimented on how I looked cuter with the 2 pigtails (I love compliments so much❤️❤️)

That's the proof I guess...
Okay so I was super nervous about what was going to happen at night I mean when we departed for home
And well I dunno what was the sky wishing for but I was late and got the  seat closer to the boys
the boys had not come yet
Those boys were like so bad I mean u can not talk onn your phone in that van they're just so vulgar( typical Ig)it's not at all elegant and it's such an immature behaviour
And omg the way they swear and cussed at every leaf stone aur person they saw -dickheads

So yeah when the boys came guess who happened to sit right next to me -HIM
But I was busy discussing something with my friend who was sitting on my other side but still saw him from my peripheral vision
I was kinda trying to shake it off ig
Okay so I was leaning towards my friend and he leaned on me AGAIN.... as the van started uk acting like he was falling or out of balance or smthn( bullshit)
It was a bit chilly weather and I hate to admit but I liked it when he did that .IT felt like a feeling of embrace maybe , it was something I want to experience again
It was warm .
I felt loved ,more like special . You can just imagine how much of a hopeless romantic I m when I say these words
When it was just the bare minimum
It was at this time when I literally felt the flutters ,like I knew my heart just fluttered for the very first time in my 16 years of life( ofc it did in kdramas but this was different, it was real).

But believe me, these kind of things are super rare for me and just the fact that it's happening to me made me fly to cloud nine..
But I do hate it at the same time. I hate that he was the one who did all these things .why did it have to be him ?

Okay I'm back( p.s. after a breakdown)
It's morning ...

Well this was the incident that started the 썸.
Then he did that a few more times and then at another speed breaker he again stepped on my shoe .like wtf was that for srsly . I guess he was trying to uk gain my attention some way or the other
And I ofc had the same reaction as the one before ,earlier in the day.
This time the ritika girl said something that I never thought would be for me ,never in my life.
I mean it's not like I was being shipped or anything but my 약한 심장이 그렇게 만 생각하잖아... 🤯
She was like - "Kyo us bechari ko pareshan kar rha hai subah se"

And I'm like omg at this point ,I was smiling
I mean I can never control my facial expressions.
It was so hard for me to not blush .
I was blushing I think and amrata too was like smiling at me like there was something but ofc it wasn't.
And then he apologised and all.

And God how I wished for that shubh guy to be there in the van at the time  cos he like could have elevated it if he  knew
It's just that I want to experience all the thrills of teenage ,being shipped and all (Gosh...)
Yeah well...and then it was all normal for the rest of the ride until the ritika girl got off and only the two of us were left.
She said ,"Bye,aur (...) Ko pareshan Mt Krna "
HIM  -" haa.. nhi krunga "
I don't even know why am I writing this like srsly
And just like that I got home
I must have blabbered so much about it in my diary
I don't even read it anymore 쪽팔려서...😳

It was the only memorable incident and the rest were just embarassing, maybe I'll put them sometime in the future

So yeah. Ig it was basically just a rush of emotions or wave of  bubbly hormones as you might say .
Nothing more, nothing less.

[PS : I'm so pathetic ain't I ?]