Dear Diary

nothing is good

Hey...
Back again with some sad stuff
I've been trying to knock it off and focus on the positive for so long . Like to just not think bout it and just remember all the possible times I felt pretty and happy and successful but it just doesn't work anymore . It just doesn't . Like all my life , everything I've ever had was just pure sadness covered by a thin sheath of happiness holding for its life and now it's full of wear and tear and holes and it's dying . Its just not there anymore . Everytime I have even a bit of time to just comprehend and contemplate about stuff, it reminds me all the time how I am not enough not happy and everything I've ever did just ends up to nothing . Everything that I ever thought was nice and good about myself was just a delusion and nothing more . What was I made for srsly.
I'm sobbing as I write. I am just so depressed and don't know what to do anymore .
And I've like tried a million things to just feel a bit better and yeah nothing works . I've tried meditation, motivational videos and shit but always end up crying.
And you know what the worse thing is .... No one cares. No one gives a little shit that I'm dying and suffering but the only thing they care is that there fucking money doesn't ho to waste nd u get selected dying living anyhow. They're not wrong but they're just too much . I hate them my parents . My relatives. My siblings. My cousins . Everyone. Why can't I just be alone in this entire world . Just you and me . Maybe in some parallel world . It's just us and no-one else. Us living and enjoying and loving each other with no one to see and judge . It's funny how 3 months can change me so much . Can make me fall into the spiral and never come out.
Even if you're not there id still just want to be alone even for a day . Eat everything I want wherever I want and as much as I want however I want . With no one to judge . I d not wnat to be pretty anymore