Dear Diary

everything sucks

I don't know what grave sin I committed in my past life that I'm gifted with this horrendous life with literally nothing good about it and idek why ...
I think it's my own karma now that I am contemplating
But wasn't that fair to think that way huh...
I mean that there's nothing I did wrong okay but it was me who was wronged in the first place . People badmouth me all the time and it's not even because of who I am as a person but because of how I look and my body . Like fr this is so bad and the worst thing you could ever do to a person . Because , living this life , knowing that I'm going to die earlier than others , I strived and still am trying to live diligently and I try to make no one disappointed in me in any way and thats true evn when I cry and am hurting and just tragically sad ....
But this is what I get in return of all that I did ...?
This is what I sum up to?
This is my value?
Will I not get any happiness in this good for nothing life of mine ?
I think ... Yes its all true . It seems to be . The circumstances suggest the same .
The dreams I have to be happy rich successful and with a loving someone are all going to vanish one day . Just like
the water swept away the seashore sand . Once and for all.
But even after all this heinousity im subjected to , I'm trying to live , to survive , to exist . I'm not even asking to live at this point . I just want a normal life . I guess it's not normal for me to live a normal life .
The people who actually are happy and have the best possible lives out there are again cursing on Every stone about how they are not happy anymore . I despise them honestly. Those people are the ones...
No I shouldnt say that ,she's my friend ....
But its just that her life is just so put together and perfect like you can't even imagine . She has a rich family . Nice parents , grandparents and a goddamn rich and older brother who is successful in his field . She just has everything I've ever wanted . And if this was not enough ,she has a great body . I mean not too appealing but she is skinny af and goodness gracious she is as tall as me ,the only thing I was actually proud of . She has that too . I feel bad for writing all this . Why am I doing this . Why am I feeling guilty of writing my own feelings???
Idek ....
She just doesn't care about money uk . She has a lot of it . She could literally pay for something and completely forget about it and me ...well in my life I haven't experienced that luxury ever . Not to mention it is a waste of money ,but still. And you know what guys , I thought that maybe she is insecure of something,maybe her body beacuse this one time a guy made fun of her being skinny and how noone would ever like her .( And I was so angry at him ,like who is he ......no one can say anything like that to a girl )but she is super confident and happy and even has a guy who likes her deeply and yeah she can talk to him whenever she wants to ) . But now why am I doing this . Maybe it's my karma . But doesnt her life seem a bit too perfect . It does to me .but she is nice . She is a good person . She is the only one I can talk to these days . And I'm so so sorry and guilty for thinking this about her . But I can't help and I'm crying and I hate everyone and I love everyone and I'm so confused and I'm just a big mess .

I hate my family . I hate my siblings . I hate my relatives. I hate everything.
No one loves me .no one cares if I come to the class or don't . Right TAN? you don't give a fuck whether you see me or not . You just see me as an eye candy and maybe that's too much because you could have atleast talked to me but you didn't and yeah I hate to admit ,I liked you .it was for a few moments but I enjoyed whatever we had in between and I think it's time to say goodbye. I wish you the very best knowing very well that you won't need my lame wishes to always win and score good . So yeah ,just do good in whatever you accomplish and I sincerely wish that one day youll come to your senses .
I wish my friends a very good luck in their careers and am sorry for feeling bad when you did good.
Yeah and as for you , senile tongue, I hope you rot in hell and ofc not have song Kang as the demon.
Because him existing is heaven .
You know what , I don't know what God is waiting for but I for sure know that the universe will make you pay off all your dues . All your darkness and evil will come back to you . God always waits for the right time and yeah that's it . I don't know if I should go to class but anyways ...
Iam not even asking for big treasures and euphoric joy or smthn .Just small happinesses each day and kind words from loved ones and maybe a few frim strangers . Is it all too much to ask . Idfk
=R==