Dear Diary

pretty privilege and regrets

Hey there...
Growing up , I wasn't the prettiest or the ugliest but just mediocre and was fine with it up until puberty ....
Like it's not like I underwent some drastic changes or anything but grew up a few more inches and gained some extra weight. And I was fine with it too, though it did start to affect me after a period. I became conscious of my body . I tried to do home workouts sneakily . And tried to eat healthier and stuff. Sounds normal right???
Yeah it was for me , I didn't think much about it until it was pointed out by some , especially my parents.
They said that you are gaining weight and needed to eat less sweets or exercise more .
This too might sound normal to most of you .
But this is not what a teen thinks alright ... When a teen grows up , they are so much affected by everyone. I almost believe that teenage years are the ones that decide your life . I felt so sad whenever someone said anything about my weight because they said it in such a mocking way , it almost made me cry ... I felt like I was a monster whenever I ate a bit too much .
It was still pretty normal and I ate as much as I wanted , and I do even now . It was fine until 10th grade , post covid , I shifted my residence. Already had a weak metabolism after covid , not been out to play with my friends ... And on top of that a new place now where there were absolutely no friends that I could play with . Also , by this time I had become so  conscious of myself that I couldn't even go cycling alone . I know it sounds absurd . But you can't understand what goes on in a teen's mind..
So as a result, I stopped going out as much and immersed myself into studies . Studies and school became everything to me and I  found anything other than that a complete waste of time . I still cycled frequently though .
But then I got into the real high school , 11th grade where I really had to study hard and absolutely no time for anything except to study . Ofcourse now that I look back and given my current condition, I didn't study hard enough, I'm struggling now... 😭
I gained more and more . But u know what , I don't think I actually look that bad like how are you supposed to look like after an all  nighter and a late night snack . Just a bit round and plump . I myself find it adorable sometimes . But then came people. These motherfuckers I tell you.
They won't let you live . People are the worst . All these people they were just waiting for my downfall . Like this is what they say . Children are innocent because theres nothing to not like bout them and they don't know about the evil face of society and people around them . But then teenage strikes and you see the snakes behind those masks . And its never the same anymore . My relatives, who ofcourse despised me as I scored good and was pretty too, started to show their true colours. Almost everyone commented on  my weight and laughed it off everytime deepening the cut on my pride and confidence.
It took such a toll on my emotional and Mental thinking that I almost started to hate myself for everything. It was like , studies were the only thing left for me but I couldn't focus on anything properly. Except for studying my ass off and getting into med school there's nothing left for me .

This is my current condition and I don't know what to do .
This is what I mean when I say grades are everything for me .like a do or die case . And this is the reason I admire Tan and the A guy so much . Also kritika because they don't seem to give a fuck about their appearance and are giving their best and scoring so good . I know they are insecure . About their height weight looks . But that doesn't matter if you get into med school . People will come kissing your feet asking for advice . They will congratulate you and thats when you will shine and they can't speak anything then . And if they do ,you can always ignore them because you don't need to serve upto people's expectations just cos they're elder or are your relatives. You can't please everyone,as I always say . Please universe .... I want to get into the best med school .
I am manifesting my dream life .
Okay got off the topic.
The title says pretty privilege .
That's because even after all this I now know what it feels to be pretty . And people don't matter okay . They want you to be perfect and even the slightest imperfection is going to be pointed out . But these flaws are what makes you beautiful uk . These flaws combine together and make the real ,imperfect YOU...
AND YOU DONT HAVE TO  BE PERFECT TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTY.
10th grade was happy and sad ...11th grade was rough for me , but  it taught me so many other things . 12th grade changed my perspective on beauty and I evolved . I am still waiting and eagerly wish upon the stars for the bestest of futures
Talking a bit more ,

Look ,ik u want to shed some pounds ,to feel good about urself . But you don't have to do it to become pretty . It has nothing to do with it . Maybe a little . First things first ,even if you do want to change anything about urself ,don't do it just to please someone else or to show someone. Rather do it to be healthier and for urself .
And you are pretty , you just need to dress up a bit and need a good hair day . Why would you restrict urself . Die but die in peace.
Okay...so the regret that I was talking about was my choice in boys. Like I just don't understand myself. Why would you even like this person . Well why did I like him in the past . Oh my god it's like they're  the most unlikable for me now . I hate them. Like I was just so influenced by pretty faces and stuff that I almost forgot what matters the most. How do they make you feel about urself . And none of them ,NONE OF THEM ever made me feel the way I deserve to . Ig some of them did🙄🙄 . Ughh it's just that I can't stop thinking of tan at the moment . I nicknamed him pink btw.🌸🌸🌷🌷💗 . Ughh off topic . I'm gonna hate him afterwards anyways...

It's bad don't you think ,he's the one who made you feel good about urself and you haven't even talked yet. Please don't judge dear.

Yeah so this person is like not likable anymore for me . I am happy I got over nothing....
Now that I think about it there was actually nothing I liked and admired about that person. There was just  one contact and also that one on one convo we had and a naïve kiddo (me)....
Nothing else... and I was pure . And I didn't know what I actually liked and wanted from life. Now I do . And there's no going back.  See this is what God always tries does.
He takes a little something from you and provides you with an even better substitute.
Maybe if he's gone . He was not meant to be .he was not the ONE.  Same goes for pink too ,like it's not like you've talked or anything there's just this attraction without interaction.
Maybe God wants you to have a guy who is like him but maybe he's far better . He will give you princess treatment.be with you in hard times. And just be perfect.
He is going to be super cute and handsome. And he's going to be TALL  unlike someone 😒ps.and he's gotta have curly hair 😶😳😐
I wish for it to happen to me once .
But rn I can't stop thinking bout him bout pink uk
Ik I'm being an idiot . But it's just that I haven't seen him from so many days . Like almost a month . He'd miss me too right . Like the last time I was gone for  2 3 days he got so excited and stuff ,if I'm not being delulu.Anyways ... Stop....