Dear Diary

HIM🌸

Hii
I don't know what I am doing here with you again. Ik you're gone and I shouldn't but here I am because I just can't seem to forget .... YOU
You were special to me . You should know that . You were perfect though others may say otherwise. I liked you . So much . It's almost obnoxious. I think about you and miss you and want to see you every fuckin day . You were the best thing that ever happened to me you idiot . You just don't know it . You never tried . You left me stranded . You left me hanging . You just..... made me sad

But I don't blame you ... Not at all ... no
But only the things you did . The stares and blushes and so high school feelings we exchanged . Didn't we?

It wasn't love at first sight . Ofc it wasn't . The first words you said to me were ... Excuse me . And so were the last ones ...frickin "excuse me "
I couldnt excuse you because that wasn't in my control
The first time I saw you you were without a hoodie . It's funny cos it was the only time I saw you without it . After that well you always wore it. Always . I kinda know why tho .But I won't say it . I just won't . I know that all too well. As I always say I'm a super conscious person . Im a good person 😶
You had those curly hair and they were messy and yeah that time I didn't quite like you (your hair). Don't worry you might not even remember our actual very first encounter,it was one sided (it always was).
Tbh I thought you were very confident and brave and so you were . You were(are) confident . Not so much tho . You didn't have the confidence to come and talk to me , to initiate a conversation, to initiate something.... Anything?
You were sitting next to our most feared teacher .I found it amusing . I almost admired you. My friend told me your name . Ohh so you were the one ....was my first thought . I admired you . From then . Yes . I did .Well after that I saw you a couple more times . But you never did .
You never saw me . Maybe you did . Most prolly you didn't
I saw you once standing outside in that hoodie you always wore . Not the pink one you wore just for me (maybe not ).
And then in doubts when you had that ponytail cum something you had on ur head .I almost found it cute .

PS.17 November 24
I miss you tani.....a Lott .I tried I tried so hard .....to forget you but I just can't ....and I'm losing it ....I'm losing my mind .why couldn't you just have chosen my college huh ....you had the choice didn't you. You had a fucking choice didn't you?
You're bad pink... tan.....
Im sad .come and hug me right now .hold me close .hold my hand .kiss me softly .kiss me sweetly . I love you....so much and I just don't know my feelings anymore ...can't believe I'm saying this .can't believe my stiff demeanor had this soft spot all left for you just so u know I haven't ever said this to anyone except you .you made me feel things noone ever could ......the blushes and eye contacts.they all say that it gets better the more you grow .but what if I don't know ...
I miss your tan skin ...your sweet smile
So good to me so right .
I'd go back to December all the time if I could
I won't ever come back fr the moments we had together .all of which were bw us and how you just never seemed to care