Dear Diary

loving him was pink part 3(ughh)

U guys ... I don't know what to do now.
There's so many things happening and nothing happening all the same time. What does that mean? Well... It's a long story . So about the things happening I have my physics exam tomorrow with bpts all month and major tests and practicals going on and finals from the next month . I don't even know what am I doing here instead of studying.... Like I'm scoring so low on mocks I don't even know what to do now .....
And in all this shit I'm in , he just is there I don't know why ... Like he does not have any fucking role in my life other than pulling me down and distracting me . But even after knowing that , it's hard for me . As it feels good. I don't even know what is exactly that feels good but there is something that makes me feel good for a few moments .
And I don't know why am I ready to lose an entire , most precious year of my life for him , for just those few moments which weren't even super good or anything

So it's him again, the T guy ... Ugghhh I'm so annoyed fr...
After the previous incident in the second part ,I didn't attend classes for a few days for some particular reasons. And it would be a lie if I said I didn't miss him .but it was not like super intense or anything .just casual 🙄I almost thought/wanted that he'd miss me too .....

Well then when I came after like after a break ...I had an eye contact with the A guy as soon as I stepped in .
But I couldn't see T. But he was just somewhere outside ,asking his doubts(studious as he is)...
Then I just sat there in my place with my head down in the books and I tried to study . I honestly can't study there .but was trying .
Then he came and I didn't even notice him coming .I ofcourse wouldn't look at him even if I knew ,cos I'm shy...also ...I had my hood on ....
But I don't know if he was really happy to see me or what but he knocked on my desk a bit when he passed through to get to his place at the back (why do these toppers act like the backbenchers 😶 idk...),maybe to attract my attention ....🙄🙄.
I till now  doubted on the fact that he likes me but he did something okay
So then he stopped at his friend's seat  who was sitting on the bench behind me .
So ofc I could hear them .
And he didn't say anything but then his friend automatically said to him that he was looking good ...
I was dumbfounded.
Like what the actual fuck .
I mean why would you ...
So yeah my idiotic and overthinking self thinks that he was asking as to how he was looking in front of his crush .
Duhhh
Like why would you even think that ....it could have been anything .  I don't even trust my own ears at this point .it's because I once thought I heard him talking to his same friend and all I could hear was his friend's voice who was saying - tujhe wo pasand hai?bhai kitni alag hai wo tujhse
😂😂 Something like that ....but it could have been anyone else also so I just don't think about it much .
What if it is me indeed. I'll update if I get to know .as if you won't 🙄
Well then he ofc didn't do anything except for the few eye contacts here and there .
Okay so the next day ( I hate myself ...why am I writing this shit )
I wore a cute  sweater as it was too cold . As soon as I entered ..eye contact....he always comes so early dunno how
They were talking bla bla...
And then he suddenly comes up in the front onto the podium... dunno why
And naturally I looked up at him .he didn't look at me but that same smile he had .ughhh why do I even know all this
I don't know if he told his friends about me but I think he did because I can hear things okay and I even heard my name once ... I even heard him saying, "wo mujhe dekh rhi thi"
U don't even know if he likes you and here you are fantasizing .
But he makes it super obvious sometimes .
Like this one time , I mean the same day ,I had eye contacts and even saw him at the canteen. And in the end of the class he went out to the teacher to ask some doubts . And he came back just when I was coming out .
He didn't even stop as I was coming and so it was me who stopped and then omg we were so close🦋🦋🦋it gave me butterflies....gosh why does he do that 💗💗🦋🦋😳
Like that small proximity gave me so much flutters .it's been a long time fr .and then I looked at him but he didn't .was he shy ???.....oh my gosh😂😂🦋he acts cute sometimes 🙄🙄 .and then he shifted a bit but it was too close .we were. Maybe his heart fluttered too but anyways ... I don't care because he too doesn't look like it . You get back what you do to me so...
Well nothing special after that.
Then we had a test after that and I honestly went for him .like it was a lame test and I could have skipped it but I didn't ...I hate myself😩
So I had told everything about him to my friend and she told me she would notice and tell me if he looks at me a little more than usual  .it's so fun fr .......
And then she told me that "wo piche mud mud ke tumhe dekh rha tha shyd" 😂😂
Yrr I don't want to do this anymore .I don't like him ...