Me Before You

PART 33: A Path Of Grief

🅈🄸🄽 🄿🄾🅅

Crazy. Indeed, the repetition of that word had become almost second nature, a reflexive response born from an unyielding conviction that my beloved War was alive and waiting for me somewhere out there. My belief drove me to withstand the barrage of shouts and pleas from my parents. Their voices reverberated through the walls, desperately trying to break through the walls of my conviction, to free me from what they perceived as craziness.

Was I merely clutching at false illusions out of an inability to accept the devastating truth? Was it a defense mechanism to protect my heart from the shattering pain of loss? Perhaps, if I were to answer honestly, it would be difficult to deny that I struggled with the grimness of War's passing.

Yet, despite the unyielding sorrow and the persistent doubts, there was a profound connection that seemed to defy explanation. It was more than a mere figment of my imagination or a product of denial. In the solitude of the night, when the world fell into a gentle slumber, I could feel War's presence embracing me, a reassuring touch that whispered, "I’m here, phi."

This inexplicable bond between us kept me going, even as the world around me attempted to pull me back. I need to find War…I need to find my baby…

Today, War's best friend, Fiat, came to meet me. It seemed as though he carried a message, though not in spoken words, that perhaps mirrored the unspoken thoughts of many, the words that I was slowly succumbing to irrationality, tirelessly combing through every nook and cranny in search of War, only to be met with desolate disappointment time and again.

"If the reason you're here is just to say that I'm crazy, then you can spare us both from wasting any time. Just go back," I said, my tone a blend of resignation and defiance. The echoes of those same words, spoken by others in their attempts to rationalize my relentless pursuit of War's trace, reverberated in the air around us.

Seated on the sofa in front of me, Fiat remained still, his gaze fixated somewhere beyond me as if he was gathering his thoughts or deliberating on the best way to convey what lay heavy on his heart. The silence is only punctuated by the soft ticking of a nearby clock.

"Phi...I never think you are crazy," Fiat finally spoke. "But I do believe that losing War has taken you to places no one should ever have to go, phi. The relentless searching, the unanswered questions, it's like you're grappling with the unknown in a way that's stressing yourself."

My fist clenched tightly, my knuckles whitening under the pressure as I fought to rein in the storm of emotions surging within me. My lower lip quivered, a tangible sign of the inner turmoil I struggled to contain while my gaze remained fixed on him through eyes brimming with tears.

"Then, what? You are trying to say that War really died? Everything I did was useless? That's what you're trying to say, right?" I uttered, my voice quicker.

"Phi…do you think War will be happy when he sees you like this?" He said, a drop of tears fell from his eyes. "I'm his best friend, phi. Of course I also feel sad when he is…he's gone but…we need to accept everything that happens."

"My boyfriend is not dead," I said through clenched teeth, my anguish mingling with a steely resolve. My tears like crystalline rivulets, commenced their unrelenting descent.

"Yes, he's your best friend but I'm the one who has been with him every single day for the past 8 years. I'm his lover, I'm his best friend. I'm everything to him. So, don't you dare to teach me how I should react."

"Phi…you can't be like this. I—"

In an immediate response, I got up from the sofa and pulled his arm, compelling him to leave the house with force.