Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[7]

"Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you."

- - 

Sloan

There are four major theories of happiness. 

During my second year at the university, a professor presented them- in relation to what, I don't remember. 

The lecture was on types of disorders, but I can't recall the context of that particular conversation, how we ended up talking about happiness. I just remember that this professor always talked about a lot of things, that didn't necessarily pertain to the syllabus. 

He wanted us to have a "bigger picture" in mind, not just the material mandated by the dean. His lectures were never just about one thing.

One theory that really stuck with me, is the Expectations Theory of Happiness. It's an analogy. Long-term happiness is based on the gap, between our expectations and the respective reality. 

If the gap is large, you're unhappy. 
If the gap is small, or non-existent, you're happy. 

For example, it's your birthday, and you expect that your parents will get you that toy you've been raving on and on about. And they do, they get you the toy- then, based on the Expectations Theory, you're happy. 

But, if you expect them to get you a mansion and a Porsche, you're unhappy. 

Solving a problem like this, isn't exactly simple.

People aren't so big on lowering their expectations. Of course, some always keep low expectations in order to avoid disappointment, but the hope is always shining inside, even if it's a small, almost non-existent light. 

Even if they deny keeping that light on. 

That's what expectation gives us: hope, it gives us a reason to get out of bed in the morning. We expect that better things are in store for us, because "how long will this shit last?", we need more. 

Sometimes we deserve more too. 

I expected more, from Ian. 

I'm ashamed to admit that. 

I wanted more for our relationship. During the final months, I was in denial. I didn't want to accept that this was it, that I was about to say goodbye to years of my life. That they amounted to nothing, and I will now have to label them gone. 

I don't think I cared about myself at this point. I only felt a strong need to hold onto him, even though my life with him was hell.  

I guess I was delusional enough to expect him to have a change of heart, and start treating me like a human being. I expected him to want to save us, but right now I'm so glad he didn't- because I would have let him rope me into him again, I would have stayed out of habit and fear. 

Stockholm Syndrome, possibly. He managed to get all aspects of my life to revolve around him, rendering it almost impossible for me to try and get away. 

But, that's in the past and I should not dwell on it because I managed to break out of that cycle. And dwelling on a past like that, is only harmful to my healing process. 
I should focus on the present, and the future. 

I should also probably focus on the things Calum is saying right now, because I have zoned out of the happiness related conversation for a couple of minutes now, and Ally is looking at me amused. 

Calum notices and scoffs playfully. 

Luke chuckles to himself, stirring the ice-cubes in his unfinished drink.