Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[28]

"Revenge is surviving, getting out, and being a better person than you were, and breaking the cycle."

- -

a/n: Trigger Warning-> mentions of abuse. 

Mina

I had this toy, when I was a kid. 

My grandma brought it from one of her trips. It was a spinning top made out of wood, bigger than any other spinning top I had ever seen. It had some strange shapes on it, some ripples, and all of them had all the colors of the rainbow. 

"I have a lot of spinning tops grandma." I told her, implying that they took precedence over the new one. She told me that this wasn't like the other ones, that I would change my mind about it soon. 

When I picked it up to inspect, nothing seemed different or unique. 

It was just another spinning top. 

"Spin it." my grandma told me then. I twirled it between my fingers and ejected it on the floor.
"It makes music." I had said, almost in a daze.
It was a slow tune, as if it was a lullaby. 

"What kind of a spinning top makes music?" I wondered.
"A special one." said my grandma, shrugging. 

From that day forward, I was obsessed with it. 

I still don't know why. 

What it had that mesmerized me. Was it the shape? The colors? The music? I don't know, but I took it with me everywhere I went. Showed it to all of my friends. I carried it with me through my hardest times, listening to the music again and again. 

When my dad left, when my grandma died, when our dog died. 

When my mom decided she no longer had any affection for the daughter who didn't fit into the little check boxes of her mind. 

When Edward moved away. 

It was always in my pocket, as if it was a talisman, something that protected me.

My mother mocked it. Told me it was a childish gimmick that I should give up. She didn't get it. She thought it was another way I had come up with to spite her, because everything in my life had to be about her, since she hated her own life after my dad left. 

"It's just a spinning top, it's not like I'm carrying around a Barbie or something." I kept telling her. "You shouldn't be carrying anything around, you're not five years old anymore." she'd snark. 

It became my good luck charm. I can't explain it, the connection I had with this toy. To this day I still can't. 

It wasn't until I reached my freshman year of college, when I met a person who understood. 
"I have a pin, inside my wallet, my best friend in kindergarten gave it to me and I have had it since. It's stupid, but it has become something like a safety blanket." 

That was Ally. 

Then Sloan and Michael walked to the bench we sat at. 

Ally told them "She has a really cool spinning top." and they asked to see it. 

No laughs came, no mockery. They just admired the wooden toy and commented on how sweet and sentimental it was, that I was carrying something my late grandmother gave me. 

It's silly, I know it is, but people get attached to all sorts of things all the time. 
That wooden spinning top is- was, my thing. 

Soon enough, these three people became my thing too. I felt safe around them, seen and protected. Appreciated.