Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[36]

"Chase your stars fool, life is short."

     - -

Sloan 

"That's what you told him? Sloan, c'mon babe." Ally exhales, staring at me like I'm some stubborn child.

Maybe I am. Who knows.

Before I can reply, a knock echoes against the heavy wooden door of the beach house bedroom Ally and I are sharing.

I glance at her, and she shrugs, calling out a casual "Come in."

Calum steps inside.

A flicker of something unsettles my stomach, but I blame it on skipping breakfast. 

He shuts the door behind him, scanning me with quiet scrutiny before speaking. "What happened?"

"What makes you think something happened?" Ally counters, absentmindedly rolling herself a cigarette as she paces the small space.

"Luke's in the kitchen looking like someone ran over his dog." Calum shrugs, sinking onto the edge of the bed. "Then you didn't come down for breakfast. I put two and two together."

"Sloan told him she doesn't want to be his friend anymore." Ally announces, plucking a fallen earring from the floor. She straightens, grinning slightly. "Honestly, I might tease the teenager in her, but god, she told him and she told him good."

Calum runs a hand through his hair, frowning. "What happened?"

I rub my temples, then start pacing, restless.

The room suddenly feels too small, like the walls are pressing in.

As I bend down to retrieve the earring back Ally is still searching for, I catch the way she watches me—waiting, gauging if I have the energy to say it all again.

I sigh, pressing the earring into her palm.

Then I turn toward the window, the vast stretch of beach laid out before me, waves lapping at the shore under the early sunlight.

"He keeps leading me on, Cal." I murmur, barely recognizing my own voice. "And it hurts now. It's not just a crush. He likes knowing he can reel me back in whenever he wants, but it hurts."

I exhale slowly, willing myself to keep my composure.

"I'm tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of entertaining the group with my aching little heart that I let him break over and over again. I keep setting myself up for heartbreak, and he executes it flawlessly every time." I pinch the inside of my elbow, grounding myself.

Ally sighs and moves beside me. "You're not entertaining anyone." she says gently. "I'm sorry if we ever made you feel that way."

I lean my head against her shoulder, drawing comfort from the familiar weight.

"It's fine." I say, though we both know it's not.

"I mean, I'm pathetic, right? I've been standing in this exact spot for what, a year? Watching him flirt, date, move on. And when he sees I'm finally ready to walk away, he pulls me back. A touch, a kiss, a handful of double-ended words that leave me dizzy. He confuses me just enough to keep me here." I swallow, the words tasting bitter.

"I'm just so tired. So tired of being so hopelessly, pathetically in love with him."

Out of the corner of my eye, I catch them exchanging a look.

I don't know if it's concern or just shock that I finally admitted it—after all those months. 

Ally presses a soft kiss to my shoulder and murmurs something I don't quite catch. It sounds like, I'm sorry, babe, but I don't answer.

Instead, I wrap my arms around myself and stare out at the ocean, watching the waves crash against the shore, over and over again.

Relentless. Just like this feeling.