Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[42]

"...as long as nothing happens between them, the memory is cursed with what hasn't happened."

(A/n: Long chapter!)

Sloan / A minute later

Instead of going back to the booth I take a quick detour to the bathrooms, to wash my hands. A few seconds later the doors open again, and Luke steps inside.

I suppress a sigh at his persistence.

Where was this persistence in November? Lost, between yells and curses, declarations of not-love.

"So, what? What happens now?" he prompts, I can see how worked up he is getting. Honestly, at what? "We just don't talk? How does that work, when we're in the same group of friends, when Tony is with Alice?"

I mean, he should have thought of that before screaming at me that any scenario of him loving me is never going to be an option.

"You don't need to be close to someone to be civil to them, Luke." I only say.

"Fine." he sighs, leaning back on the door. "I would still like to apologize."

"Why? So you can feel better about being an asshole, or because you actually mean it?" I challenge, wiping my hands with some paper before disposing of it in a frustrated manner.

"Both, I don't know." he mutters.

"You don't know." I repeat.

"I'm fucking confused, Bennett. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

"Okay." I sigh, relating to him fully.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either. I should walk out of this bathroom right now. Where he stands is pretty clear, I should walk away.

"It's hard to deal with the fact that we're not close anymore. I, uh , I miss you. A lot. I need to adjust to this new set-up. I know I hurt you. You have a way of reading me so well, it scares me. I know you don't want to hear this, but I am. I really am sorry for wrecking our friendship time and time again. I'm sorry for not being who you need me to be." Luke's eyes hold a tremendous amount of emotion in them, so much so that it scares me, because it has never happened before.

I nod silently, scared that my voice will come out shaking if I speak up.

"I never told you the entire Jenny story." he adds and I frown. "She was married, but I didn't find out because her husband followed her to my house. I found out because I proposed to her." he utters half-heartedly, and my heartbeat accelerates rapidly.

Oh my God.

Luke... proposed to someone? Luke loved an individual so much that he popped the question?

"What?" I breathe out.

"She told me on her own then, that she was married, that what we had was a mistake. My proposal freaked her out. And it broke me. I was so in love with her, I was ready to settle down. Ever since that I simply don't bother with people. I figured, if I never let them get close, they won't hurt me. And it works." he nods, a distraught look on his face.
"But as it turns out, I do the hurting instead." he bitterly exclaims. "And it never really mattered. Until you. I'm sorry I keep doing this to you. I just hope time has enough power to heal all the fuckery between us."

I wipe off the single tear that managed to stream down my cheek and shake my head.

Fuck.

For my sanity's sake, I do hope time has the power to fix all of this.