Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[42]

"...as long as nothing happens between them, the memory is cursed with what hasn't happened."

(A/n: Long chapter! Get cozy x )

Sloan | A minute later

Instead of going back to the booth, I take a detour to the bathrooms to wash my hands. A few seconds later, the door swings open again and Luke steps inside.

I suppress a sigh at his persistence.

Where was this persistence in November? Lost somewhere between yells and curses, between declarations of not-love.

"So, what now?" he asks, his voice taut with frustration. "We just don't talk? How does that work when we're in the same friend group? When Tony is with Alice?"

Honestly, he should have thought of that before screaming at me that any scenario of him loving me was never going to be an option.

"You don't have to be close to someone to be civil." I say simply.

"Fine." he exhales sharply, leaning back against the door. "I'd still like to apologize."

"Why, though?" I challenge, grabbing a paper towel. "So you can feel better about being an asshole? Or because you actually mean it?"

"Both." he admits. "I don't know."

"You don't know." I echo flatly.

His jaw clenches. "I'm fucking confused, Bennett. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

I sigh, tossing the paper towel into the bin with too much force. "Okay."

Because, honestly? Same. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either. I should walk out of this bathroom right now.

Where he stands is clear. I should walk away.

"It's just—" He rakes a hand through his hair. "It's hard to deal with the fact that we're not close anymore. I—I miss you. A lot. And I need to adjust to this new setup. I know I hurt you. You have this way of reading me so well, it scares me. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I am. I really am sorry for wrecking our friendship. Time and time again. I'm sorry for not being who you needed me to be."

His eyes hold so much emotion, more than I've ever seen in them before. It unsettles me.

I nod silently, afraid my voice will shake if I try to speak.

"I never told you the whole story about Jenny." he says suddenly.

I frown. "What?"

"She was married." he continues, his voice eerily calm. "But I didn't find out because her husband followed her to my house. I found out because I proposed to her."

My breath catches in my throat.

Oh my God.

Luke... proposed to someone? Luke loved someone so much that he actually popped the question?

"What?" I manage to whisper.

"She told me herself." he says. "Said she was married. Said what we had was a mistake. My proposal freaked her out. And it broke me. I was so in love with her, I was ready to settle down. Ever since then, I just... don't bother with people. I figured if I never let them get close, they won't hurt me. And it works." he exhales sharply, shaking his head.

"But as it turns out, I do the hurting instead." his voice turns bitter. "And it never really mattered. Until you."

He lets out a hollow laugh. "I'm sorry I keep doing this to you. I just hope time has enough power to heal all the fuckery between us."

A single tear escapes before I can stop it. I wipe it away, shaking my head.