Selfish Appetite [5 Seconds of Summer]

[31]

"If only I could rewind time on the day I started loving you. I would have asked myself to stop."

- -

Sloan

I watch in a daze as a red ribbon, tied on a nearby balcony, twirls around endlessly because of the wind. I let the image hypnotize me momentarily.

From the main road in front of the building, multiple motorcycle engines rev without a care about disrupting the silence of those around. From on top of Alex's desk, a small fan is turning around on the lowest setting, offering us a tiny bit of the cool air needed. 

Though still spring, today's temperature was surprisingly high.

As an instinct to many stimuli, I bring my knees to my chest and lay my chin on them, locking eyes with Alex.

"Did you know, that during the Victorian period, it was normal to photograph loved ones after they died?" I tell him.

"I did not know that. That is interesting and only slightly morbid." he jests and I smile.

"People would dress their deceased relatives in their best clothes and then put them in lifelike poses and take pictures. They did this to preserve one last image." I go on.

Alex nods, telling me he either read or saw that in a documentary recently.

"How's Mina?" he asks out of the blue, catching me off guard.
I don't talk about Mina a lot lately. 

"She's as well as she can be, considering the circumstances." I shrug. "She's doing her best." 

"I'm glad." he nods. "Are your anxiety attacks better?"

"Yeah, it's been a few weeks since I've had one. Ever since the trial ended, I've been good." I exclaim.

"And how are your stress levels?"

"Normal. I moderate the amount of work I do now. I take breaks and I've managed to set some painful boundaries with my boss. It's been good." I smile. 

"What about outside of work?" he offers.

"You mean Luke." I sigh. "Things are normal. We're good. He's dating Ashton's friend, and everyone is just dandy."

Alex raises his eyebrows.

"I'm just bitter. The woman is really nice and Luke seems happy."

"What about you? Are you happy?" he prompts.

I stare at the frames above Alex's head and try to make out the tiny letters.

"I'm stable." I offer.
"But are you happy?"
"I guess." I shrug. "The group is good, Mina is better, my grandma is in a really dreamy place with Tony, and work is going well."

"Yes, but what about you? You just talked about everyone but you." 

"I told you about work."

"You're not your work Sloan." he nearly scolds. 

"I'm doing okay. I'm getting used to a new routine. I'm working on the Luke thing."

"The Luke thing being..." he urges. 

"I still have that stupid crush on him. Some days it's fine, and I think it's not even there anymore, but some other days it feels unbearable. It feels like I can't be in the same room with him, without running out of air." I admit and Alex nods.

"You mentioned the week before, that you and Calum are not involved anymore. How's that going?"

"It's fine. He's still one of my best friends, we just stopped having sex." I shrug.