Jilted

A thought

"I've lost feelings ." He whispered. I could actually hear my heart break. I wonder if he did to. "What do you mean?" I said. Is all I can say. I did not understand. Only five days apart . I was only feeling alone. I just missed him. Just wanted to talk to him. But no that had done it. When expressing how upset i was that he didn't call me at all, I had made him feel bad.

He and I had hardly fought in our relationship. Of course I'd get mad over stupid things. But I only remember a couple of times out of our two years where I'd possibly hurt him so bad. And I guess this had been the third. But how had it been?

All I said was that I wanted to talk more. For him to check up. And now he's lost feelings? "I want to break up." His next words were.

"What do you mean ? Why?" I scream. Not to loud though. My parents were not home but my little sister was. I want to scream louder. But I couldn't. The tears wouldn't even come. I was in such shock. His voice was so cold. A voice I'd predicted I would one day here.

A voice he swore that he'd never do. He'd never shut me out. That there was no future without me. Just 7 days ago we were talking about what we'd do to survive. Would we live in an rv? Learn how to survive using natural resources. Would he get into dangerous bucks just to keep our future family safe. I told him I'd never let him put our future family at risk. That I'd hate him if he was the reason our kids didn't have a father. I would work the skin off by bones just to be with him and happy.

He is my life. I know it's bad to put everything on one person. Perhaps that was why he left. He was tired of me. Understandable. I understand why he wants to leave. But my heart. I can't take it.

I slept with my mother that night. It was hard to go to sleep. I wanted to die. I was trying to get him to listen and he just wouldn't. He wasn't hearing me. Didn't understand that I just didn't want to be forgotten.  I just wanted him to say he loved me. He hasn't said it all that day. I was feeling alone. I told him that. And he still chose those new friends over me. Instead of just talking to me for five minutes. Actually talking. We would have been alright.

The day after. I felt so numb. I had called a mutual friend. He'd given me advice that helped me calm down. As I spoke to them I thought of all the amazing things my boyfriend had done for me. The stupid nicknames. The little weird things he do.

He likes to make these weird  noises. "Weeeeee"

we had so many jokes. I had named his car or basically anything and he'd stick to the name. He made me love my body. He had taken so much from me. And I would have let him keep taking. He gave me life.

My friend ended the call. My mom was gone for work. My brother called me. My mom told him I'm sure. I didn't want to talk to him. I couldn't. Soon my dad left for something too. And I was just in the house alone. Well besides my sister.

I decided to sit in the backyard. The sun was so hot. It was nice being out there. But it wasn't enough. Still the thoughts had taken over. I should eat. I hadn't aten since the day before. It got to hot outside. I went back in.

And then I broke. I cried. My chest burned so bad. I cried. I sobbed. Usually when I cry, I try to keep silent.  I didn't this time. I cried loud. And it still hurt. My head hurt. I was tired. I could not sleep because my mind would keep wondering back to him.

I needed to talk to someone or I was going to lose it. I called my cousin. She was at work. I sobbed as she encouraged me. "It's fine." She'd say, "I know it hurts but it'll be okay. I bet if he tries to have sex with another girl the only way he'd get hard is if he thought of you."

I laughed. It was ridiculous. I hoped it was true. But then she said, "he'd probably been losing feelings for months and had just pretending until he left."