Jilted

A thought that's draining

I am still afraid of sleeping. Afraid of what my mind will come up with. Today has not been a good one. Yesterday, an even worse one.

The friends I found to distract me from the emptiness of not having him anymore, only cause more...pain? Disappointment? I'm not sure yet. All I know is that I am so tired of people.

I think I've mentioned some things I've done to cope. The people I met.
At first, it began well. I was happy, and I was starting to become myself again. But at some point, the things I'd laugh off or push away because I did not want to ruin whatever it was I had bothered me.

Lines were being crossed and all I did was erase it a draw another, a little further back. Anything to keep the illusion going.

But now my hands are fucking tired of erasing and redrawing. My throat hurts from the amount of lumps that formed which I had to force into a laugh. I've almost forgotten the sound of my voice because I had to be quiet, because if I spoke something would be said and it would cause me to have to redraw that line again.

And these people...I am not even comfortable with it. I search for someone to share my emotions with, to say they understand...I was looking for someone to replace him.

I'm trying to be more honest with myself on things. Maybe it will work or maybe it will make me seem like a selfish bitch. But that is the truth. I'm searching for a replacement for him. Whether it's romantically or platonic. Mainly platonic.

Something unexpected has happened. I know I am not ready for something new. I told myself as I made the decision, that I wouldn't do it for love. Except my heart and brain have never seen eye to eye, and yes I've tried to deny it, but I do like someone.

Like not love, that difference is very important. Still, I'm scared to admit. I think I just want them to want me.

The real kicker to this is that they have given me no reason to think that they have feelings for me. So the fact that they don't return any of what I feel, I cannot be upset and I don't think I am. Disappointed, yes. But I'm not mad at them. It's not their fault. And I can't blame them if I am not the one they want. Are they even that for me?

I think about everything more and more. The pros and cons of having these different people around. Then I thought about why I even needed them. Because I feel good about knowing people are happy to have me the way I am happy to have them.

At one point that was true. But right now, these people that I want so badly to have around have honestly drained me.

It may seem selfish to say that I'm not treated the way I want to be. I don't mean I'm upset that they aren't in love me with, I'm upset that they can't even be decent friends. Perhaps that's my fault.

The way I present myself now, I can understand why they say the things they say. But as I said before, lines were crossed and I just can't find it in me to redraw that line anymore. Instead, I think, what's the point of even having them here anymore?

They're just mean.
It's not their fault they don't care though. Not their fault that it hurts my feelings. The blame is on me.

They may not see it as them being cruel, just honest, but it does hurt. And since they show over and over they don't care, it's my fault for staying. For trying to be something that would make them like me.

I want to please everyone. I try to shapeshift into what everyone desires but it doesn't matter if they just don't care. I've known this for a long time. I'm always self-aware.

Now, I just think I'm finally tired. They've exhausted me. I keep preaching to not put yourself into people who don't present the same effort. And physically I wasn't doing it. I didn't triple text, didn't try to force someone to talk to me.

Mentally, none of them ever left my mind. I still thought about them and waited for their calls. Again, not just romantically, I did this for friends as well. Doing all that hoping for people who have shown me so many times they do not care. They say they do but actions speak way louder than words.

I don't even know why I need anyone around anymore. Why do I crave it, why do I bend over backwards to make someone like me? I told myself it was so I'd have someone to talk to, but I have all those people and I still have no one there for that. No one for the emotional stuff. I don't even give a fuck about the physical things anymore. I am tired of people. Of trying new friendships or relationships.

Maybe I choose the wrong people or maybe...I don't know. I could've just chosen the wrong people.
I'm just emptied....but I'm too scared to sleep because of the dreams.

I don't want to dream of anything.
Even though I say I'm over it, I'm so afraid of what my mind will torture me with.

I've been awake for almost 24 hours, it's starting to get to me. But I kinda like feeling like I hate everyone instead of wishing they'd treat me better. I know if I sleep, my thoughts will clear and I'll revert to redrawing that line.

I hate giving up on people. It's like killing someone. But if see the rope holding the bridge together begin to burn, I don't think I'll rush in to extinguish it.