Jilted

A thought to escape

I cannot. I am trying to. I really am. But I can't. I can't. My mind won't let me. I want to zone out and not have to worry about it but I can't.

My brain knows something is wrong. Like I am a door that won't close unless I am correctly aligned. I finally got out of bed to use the bathroom. I felt lightheaded. I should drink some water. I get the water. I return to my room. My mom asked me to start the car. She wants my dad to take me driving. I don't feel like driving. But whatever. I go outside. it's warm and nice. i don't think I'll be going for another walk. I did that without my parent's knowledge. When it comes to leaving the house on my own, they're not ready for that. Maybe if asked to make sure, but i didn't yesterday. i couldn't take the risk of them saying no and me being trapped.

I want to text him. he said he doesn't care if I do. but I am trying to give him the space he needs. I still have not told him what I learned. what I understand. I will wait for when he's ready to talk. I can't push him anymore. If I want him to stay I have to let him know that I am willing to go through all of this silent pain for him to be happy.

I don't mind it. Not if I get to keep him. Not if he stays mine. If someday soon, he'll decide he's ready to see me and love me again. I have to hope. I don't really pray. I don't even know what I believe In. But if there is some mighty entity that has a say in what happens in the universe. Please, I beg you let this work out. Let him give me a chance to fix us.

Honestly, I don't even know if he thinks the way I do. if he saw our relationship the way he did. When he was...leaving me. He said he thought of things in the past. Of all the other times I made him feel like shit. What were those times? I had my idea of what they could be. What were his?

Was he ever really happy with me? Had he been wanting to escape from me for a while now and just had pity on me? Is that what happened? Was college his escape from me? His shot of getting rid of me? Two hours away, and his family is moving soon. He would never have to run into me again. Had this been his plan the whole time?

I needed to know his thoughts. I wish I could read his mind. I need to know how he truly feels. Before, I could have asked. Now, he gives me no windows to. I am afraid to ask him his thoughts. Afraid to tell him what I now understand.

Is everything I believed our relationship to be, all the good moments we had, did he feel the same way towards them? Or was he dreading it the entire time?

All these thoughts in my head. So many thoughts, all of it of him. What is he thinking? I need to know. I used to be able to know. Not anymore. He is shutting me out. Does he not trust me with his feelings anymore? what happened? What can I do to fix it? I just want to fix it. I just want him.

For now, I need to focus on escaping these thoughts. But how? No one to talk to, I cannot read, listen to music, watch tv, or sleep. Nothing I have tried works. The pain is just strong. It hurts to breathe. My chest hurts so bad. i just want him. That's all I wanted. That is all I wanted.

I miss him so much right now. I do. I want to respond to his message. i want to make a joke so that he laughs. I want us to go back to how it was just last week. I want so much of us. But I don't think he wants the same. I think he's giving me false hope because he feels bad for me.

Sure a small part of him may care, but what if he is really done with me? I know he has told me it. But it's just so hard to believe. Like when you hear someone has died, how can they be gone when i just spoke to them yesterday?

The more I think i start to realize, i don't even want to deal with myself. Why would anyone else? Honestly, he deserves the world and more for putting up with me. Knowing that I am alone now, I don't want to do it. Why should I make him do it?

I shouldn't. I should leave him alone. I should. But what if there is a chance? I keep holding on to that chance. It's a battle in my head. I know what i should do but it's not what I want to do. I know just need time, but like I've said. I have put some much time and effort into us. I can't just let it go.

But he has. He got away from me. And I am like a demon trying to claw at him to keep him trapped. I am a parasite. I am what is wrong, it's me. People try to tell me it's not. But they don't know. They only hear my side of things. And I don't try to play to the victim. at least I hope it doesn't sound that way when I complain. i am aware of my flaws. it's why I hate myself so much.

I am a parasite. the infection that feeds off his energy. I try to tell myself that I make him happy...that I made him happy. But no, I am just a parasite. And he has finally broken free of me. Now I think I should try to escape myself.