Jilted

A thought after a long time of no thoughts

I dreamt of it a lot. The end, in different scenarios. So many times. They would haunt me for the rest of the week, and then a couple of days, then a day, then hours, until I finally woke up one time, and it stung for just a moment before I could move past it.

It's been months. I think I have moved on, but it still stings. I don't cry about it anymore. I haven't cried about it in a long time. I have surrounded myself with new people, but no new loves yet, I'm far too fragile for a new love.

But the things I have done to cope or to forget, I'm not proud of. I know they are wrong, but if it works, it works.

I hate to admit that even now I still think about him. It's become less and less though, but he still crosses my mind. Just now I dreamt of him and I talking. He didn't leave me this time, we just talked. It was nice.

A friend of mine was going through the same thing. He got broken up with. I was prepared to give him the advice I should've listened to but didn't, but it seems he doesn't need it. He might have a better ending for him, and although I am happy, I might be a little bitter. Why could I not have the same happy ending?

It's okay. Truly it is. I'm starting to believe that. I sometimes wish I hadn't cut him out completely. I miss talking to him. But I know that if we were to talk again it wouldn't help. I could never just be his friend. The things we've done together, how long we were together, I could never just be his friend.

So it is for the best that we don't talk, doesn't matter how badly I want to. I'd give my left pinky to talk to him, I'm right-handed anyway so it wouldn't affect me...

That was funny.

I'm okay. Really, I am.

As long as I have friends, family, Mary Jane, and a random bottle of wine lying around, I think I'll make it.