Jilted

A thought to talk

In the span of three days, I had hardly eaten. If I did it was once or a very small snack. I have lost 7 pounds.

That mutual friend of ours said maybe if I was in better shape, he would have stayed. I know that he loved my body the way it was. But...well, if I was thinner would he want me more?

Him being in college, seeing so many different women like my dad had said. Did he realize how unattractive I was? Did he want more options? He'd told me no. And I believe. i actually do. Should I not?

I never saw him like other guys. He was different. He was sassy with me and I loved it. I just want that back. After we played the game, I did not contact him. I wanted to. I wanted to hear a goodnight. I wanted a text. But I did not.

I think I will tell him what I learned. Just to get it off my chest. I won't beg him, but I want him to know. He officially starts classes tomorrow. I know he will be buried in his schoolwork. Would he have time to go out with his friends then? And if he didn't, who would be there for him? I hope he will allow it to be me.

That he would allow me to visit. Because he and I both know, as soon as we see each other in person. All of the problems will vanish. And we will be okay. I am trying not to cry. But IN am still so scared that he truly has lost feelings.

I want to believe that i just put him in a rough position, and he felt like he had no time to think of other solutions, so he thought of the most simplest one. Should I say this to him? I think I will ask my girlfriend.

I have only slept for less than an hour. I tried to go back to sleep, but the pills I had taken. I think the effects are starting to kick in. I might be overthinking it. But my heart is racing so fast no matter what I do, my hands won't stop shaking, I have not eaten. and for some reason, I took more. Not to hurt myself, but for them to actually help me sleep. I probably should not. Should let the first batch out of my system first.

I was only able to read on chapter before i gave up. I tried to go to sleep but it just wouldn't work. I tried to watch videos, but my heart beat so fast i couldn't stay still and concentrate. i tried playing the game, it worked but i am just so tired i didn't feel like doing it anymore.

I want to talk to him again. I am so anxious to hear his voice. I miss him so much. I am crying. i don't want to cry. But everyone is asleep so it is the perfect time.

I did not sleep beside my mom tonight. I probably should have, but i did not. She doesn't have to work today so I will have the comfort of her being here.

Now it is six am, i am waiting for him to wake up. I sent him a text, asking if he could call me whenever he got the chance. I should have waited i know. But like I said, I need to do things now and in the moment.

I do not expect him to respond to what i have to say. but I do not want to text it either. I will ask if he would like to finish our movie tonight, but I don't think that will be likely.

Why does this have to be so hard? I am so sorry that I cannot let you go. I am so sorry that i ruined everything. That i am a burden. I should not want to be with someone who thinks i am a burden. That is pathetic. But I know you didn't always think that...or i hope you didn't.

No one else has spoken to me. i had not called my cousin or either of my friends. I am so tired. My head is beginning to hurt. I might try to sleep but i know it won't work. I wanted to talk to him. fall asleep on the phone with him. Be with him. See him. Hold him. Breathe in his scent. Feel his soft curls in my hands. Touch his face. Feel his warmth. Feel his love. Be in his presence. He is my universe. And i want to hold him close to me.

I want to start a family with him. Bring him the joy of having children. Not anytime soon though. We agreed around twenty-five or twenty-six would be a good age. We've thought of some possible baby names. He dislikes the idea of all our kid's names starting with the same letter as my parents and aunts did for me and my cousins.

Please, lord, or someone. Don't let this be the end of me and him.