Jilted

A thought of meaning

We talked to each other.  I wasn't too sure what to say. If it would be awkward or not. But no. We clicked, it was natural. Like it always was. I do not know if he felt the same. If I was helping. I won't ask. I won't push. But I am dying to know. I felt better, talking to him. I don't think I said anything wrong.

He didn't sound cold or distant. it was the same guy i knew. He was kind. He laughed at some of the things I said. But did that mean his feelings were still there? Does he just want to be friends? I wanted to tell him how much I loved his voice. As we played, he'd say encouraging things to me. It made me feel good. Spending time with him made me feel good. This is all I wanted from him. All I wanted.

I asked him if we could continue with our movie. He said we could, I don't know if he meant it. I didn't want to keep asking and risk making him annoyed. I am careful. He asked what advice the others gave me. I told him. He didn't ask how I was. Maybe he just didn't want to feel guilty. I don't think I would have told him the truth.

It hurt not saying what I wanted to say. To not flirt, to not say how I missed him and his hugs. And when he said goodbye, I wonder if he would say he loved me. I thought for a second, I heard him about to say it but he stopped himself. Maybe it was my imagination. I was used to, "Goodbye I love you." He'd done it every time. 

I would have liked to ask if when he returned from the event, would he like to finish our movie. I didn't thought. Instead, I kept my mouth shut. I would take whatever he would offer me. If he had only done this while we were together, I don't think I would have been as sad to say goodbye.

I did not tell him what I learned about him. I'm not sure he would care. Maybe if I get the opportunity I will. Apologize for putting the pressure on him. I don't know...I really want to say it. But every time I've tried to speak to him about these things, it went wrong. I will give him more time.

When we played the game, he found this little gun. And it was so adorable how he wanted me to watch him play with it. I was hoping he'd make the weird, "pew pew" noises. He did not. He didn't talk to me in the sweet voice he usually did. But it was better than the other. He didn't seem annoyed at me at all. But I don't know what his thoughts were.

I really wish he'd say he loved me....It would've healed me on the spot. Even he said the words, "I love you, I just need time." I think I would've been okay.

But if he would've just given me this moment in the first place. An hour or two of his time, and he could've gone back off with his friends. That was all I ever wanted with him. He told me a friend of his was going to be visiting him.
I felt jealous. Because I desired to see him so bad.

When I told him the things my cousin said, about him losing feelings for me months ago. He did not comment on any of it. I wonder what his thoughts were. Would he ever tell me again? I miss falling asleep on the phone with him. I still have not been to sleep. I still have not eaten. But these two hours of him, made me feel so much better.

I pray, I wish, I'll sacrifice a part of myself just to have him be mine again. Just to be able to call him my pretty boy. Just to hear him call me baby. To wake up to a good morning text and fall asleep to a good night text. To text him weird things, and he does the same. I miss him so much. It's only been a few days, but it feels like forever.
Usually, my days go by fast but lately, they've been going on forever.

I can't sleep them away. Maybe I'll be able to go to sleep tonight. But I doubt it. I will try to leave him alone for the rest of the night. And try again tomorrow.

I think for now...I will read a book.