Jilted

A thought from my drunk mind

People can discard me so easily. People just want me for my body. I was okay with it at first. I allowed it to happen. Then I met someone who I really truly liked. They were so great too. I thought they were at least. for some reason I fall for people very easily. Plus, friends told me I could trust this person. i had high hopes. 

I hate that I hope so high. 

I don't even know where to start. What set me off today. So, I'll start with something simple.

Why can people push me to the side so easily? I seem to make friends with people who don't need people. Who doesn't need me? They can need someone else, but never me.

 I could tell that he was a people person. He got along with everyone so well. He just agrees with pretty much everyone. I wanted to be the person he could be honest with. I wanted to know all his selfish thoughts. wanted to be the person he could confide into. I wanted to be his person. i wanted him to be mine. I would have tuned out everyone just for him. He consumed my thoughts the second I kissed him in that shower. I quickly found out that I wasn't even a third thought to him. I can tell, he has a lot of people in his life. Though, I suppose I should have guess that I would not have been a priority to him at all.Not as quickly as he became to me.

When I fall I fall hard. It's my curse. I trust to easily. I hold someone soo close without realizing they could burn me. 

Its not that he burned me, it's that he never even wrapped his hand back around mine.

Everyone gave me false hope. I suppose they only said a few words and I just jumped without fully learning where i'd land. But I know people I could tell he was kind, that he cared. that's what he showed me at least. 

Perhaps it wasn't a lie though. I do believe that's how he is with the people he cares for. it takes time for him. I know however, that I will never fall into the group. At least not how I wanted to. I felt so comfortable with him/ More so than the other bloke I was with before. 

i think maybe I'm just impatient. I can't explain how I know he doesn't feel the same way. I just know he doesn't. He doesn't show it. but all his friends tell me otherwise. I think they're just trying to cover for him. I think he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings, because he wants to make everyone feel good. that's just how he is. he fakes it. i know he does sometimes. i don't want him to ever have to fake it with me. i wanted it to be real. i thought it would. i gave him my body so it would be. 

that was my fault. i keep giving everyone my body. i gave it to him within a day, partly because I just wanted to, I thought he was cute and a friend told me he felt the same way. he treated me like he could like me. he said he wanted to get to know me more, but hasn't made an effort sense. three weeks have passed. nothing. i tried to be bold today. to ask him out, cause apparently he has never been in this situation. then sudden;y "boss man put me on the schedule tomorrow." He'd texted. 

Our date had been canceled so suddenly. I was confused. When I aSked him, he'd seem willing to go. I didn't even expect him to say yes. then, he canceled. Maybe it truly was a mistake. But I've heard that he could just call off, I feel that it was an excuse. Besides, he hadn't made any other effort to try and hang out with me before. maybe this was him begging for me to take a hit. Ive taken it, I guess. 

I will leave him alone. It's probably for the better that I don't bring my awful traits on him. I have to work on myself people will tell me. I think I'm just stuck like this. loving to hard. liking to hard. obesiing to hard. he needs someone who wont solely depend on him and that's all I would do honestly. i'd bring him nothing but stress. that's the opposite of what i'd want to do. 

I just thought he could care for me like he cares for others and I could do the same for him. Im starting to understand that whatever being there is, is just saving him from me. I am just gonna gave to be sad, cause I'll just bring him misery, that's all I'm good for.

I truly wanted to love him though. I know I could have. But I have to let him go, cause he deosn't feel the same and there's no reason for trying to guilt him into it. Im just problems in his life that I know he doesn't deserve. 

Why am I being so understanding for someone who just fucked me and has decided that he doesn't want to deal with me anymore. Why have I been cursed this way. Whatr did I do in a pass life to deserve this? how is this fair? at least let me know what I did. Or perhaps this is the point of the punishment. To not know and to just suffer through it. I hate it. 

My friend blocked me. I have been by her side. I have lost friendships for her. I was willing to spend money. I stressed myself out for her. I worried about her. I had headaches for her. I've said things to make her realize how stupid shit was just so she could end what was hurting her. All for her to abandon me.

How is that fair? It's not.

I allowed them to use my body. I allowed them my time spent worrying. Just for them all to leave me. How is it fair?

Why is it allowed? Do I just trust the wrong people? Perhaps.

How do I find the right sort?

I don't understand. Why do I have to care so much for people? Why cannot I not just be happy with the family I have? It seems it isn't enough. I go out searching for friends, and lovers. I don't understand why.

She just let go so easily. They all do or will. I stay because I don't want to hurt them. I stay knowing that if I do, I'll be so frustrated in the end. But the second I inconvenience them, it's quite easy for them to ditch me.

Even when she annoyed me, I never abandoned her. I always made sure she had a way to reach me. Even if I needed to be away from people, I always made sure she had a way. And just because I was a stupid man that she kept going back to hurt her so bad that she made herself believe God made him for her, she shut me out too as if I was nothing. What type of person does that? a strong one or a stupid one? Do I need to become this? Do I need to become this cold to people? If so, how? I always think about going ghost, but I never can do it because I know people need help. I always stupidly believe that if I treat someone how I want to be treated, I'll get it in return. That has never happened. But I still don't know how to stop. It's a blessing to be a good person to other people when it's convenient for them. But for you, it's only painful. Why do I get to make them feel good, but they make me feel worse?

Were some people just put on this earth to make others feel good? Are we the angels sent to do God's work, be grateful, and not get anything in return? We just take whatever and have the satisfaction of knowing we did others right, even if we're done wrong.

it sucks. I'm fucking tired of it. But... I know it won't change anything. I've tried to change. It gets me nowhere. I know deep in my heart I'm stuck here. It's my punishment. To feel everything.

To feel like I need to puke right now.