Jilted

A thought after a two glasses of wine

I genuinely cherish my habit of saving memories in any way I can. Taking random videos, photos, and writing the thoughts down. I appreciate the opportunity to look back at those times, having it there so that I know it happened. So I have something to grasp on to when I try to remember that exact point. For some reason, it is so hard for me to do that sometimes.

The downside of preserving these memories is that they could remind you of a time that wasn't great or of an individual that is not in your life anymore.

Thank goodness I haven't had that feeling in a long time.

However, an upside of having them is that you can admire the image or video for as long you live. Going back to it over and over, remembering how you felt then and there, how you wish to do it again. Even how beautiful that person is in the photo...

Of course, this was going somewhere. It always does with me and my thoughts.

Sigh.

I know I shouldn't.

I promise I know. I understand the consequences. It'll never work. How much it hurts because it will never work.How he doesn't even want me.

The fact that I swear up and down I prepped myself for this. It's crazy how I ever thought I was strong enough for this.

Perhaps I am. Except, who am I kidding? This once-a-month thing is going to break me down because for some reason I get attached to the littlest of things. A speck of dust is all I'm ever given but that part of me that refuses to die always clings on to and begins to build itself up with that; only to end up breaking my entire system down.

I don't want it to end. I don't even want him to end it, but he and I both know it won't go anywhere and only one of us will get hurt. I'm okay with taking that. I'm not but I know that eventually I will move on.

So...to whatever is out there in the universe controlling our fates. Give me one last sign to tell me he is not the one. Have him end it. The pain will be horrible I know. And I've learned no matter how much I think I've prepped for that occasion, It will not ease any time soon. But I know that it will one day. Even if it means I'm meant to be alone for a while. And I am okay with that.

I am okay with myself.

He even told me,if I'm not satisfied to find someone else. I wanted to tell him i didn't want anyone else...

People have exhausted me. I have no intention of going out there and searching, redrawing lines, or shapeshifting into something for someone who does not want me but does not wish to be alone.

I refuse to believe that's all I am. Just someone until the right person comes by. It isn't fair that I care so much about people who don't care at all. But they never asked for it...that is my fault. I am never mad at him or anyone. They can't help the way they feel the same way I cannot help my own feelings.

Anyways. Besides my stupid love for a man who invites me to open up to him and then just leaves in the middle of the conversation--

I am exhausted all the time. Mentally and physically.

I wanted to say I'm doing okay, but thats not true. I'm not sure If I have mentioned it before, but when I'm tired I have the emotional range of a toddler.

Now instead of wasting away in my bed everyday. I waste away at work. Yes, I have joined the working world. Not fun at all. But it gives me something to do. I don't think about anyone as much anymore. I can just lose myself into folding clothes, or answering obvious questions from people, and getting uncomfortable but I suppose flattering comments from strangers.

It's both freeing and yet enslaving. Because now I no longer have time for myself. I no longer have time to unwind, to recharge my battery. There are days when I can feel myself shut down and I want to curl in a bawl cry and sleep and fuck and...sleep?

I wish I had more goals for myself, but there's nothing there...

Yes, I have ideas...but not ambitions. I think that's my issue. I don't care enough about life. I want the easy way out.

It's disappointing. I know I can be really smart at times. I stay trapped inside a bubble of my creation and I'm not too fond of it. I think that's the only thing I hate about myself. The naive side of me. Sure it's cute sometimes, but....I could do without it.

I could do with some sleep though.