Jilted

A thought of what went wrong

The first time i remember making him feel bad was so stupid. My fault of course.

He'd hugged a girl he kind of had a history with at school. It was after our first homecoming. He didn't know why he'd done. I had no reason to believe that he'd cheat. I had reason to be upset but not that mad. I was on my period. I'm very a sensitive person without the period so just imagine how dramatic i can be.

I don't remember the full conversation. It wasn't an argument . Just me being upset. But he'd told me he thought about leaving me. I had cried. I can't believe I made him feel so bad. We talked it through and made up.

Of course I'd gotten mad over little things. He was probably annoyed with me but i don't think he ever thought of leaving during those times.

Our second argument I can remember. Not really an argument. I was just worried about when he'd go off to college. If he'd cheat. Back then our relationship was so fresh, i still had very little hope that he'd stay. We'd talk about him going to college a lot. The thought of breaking up had crossed my mind. I never truly meant it though 

It's funny. Really. I had told him if we break up, it'll probably be because i over did something and made him annoyed, or i overthought and left him just to be begging for him to take back the next day. He'd swore he wouldn't let that happen. Those talks happened a lot. I'm sure they made him feel bad. I was sorry. I didn't mean for them to. Eventually those talks stopped.

The last thing I could think of is the only thing we ever really fought about. Him not telling his parents. Maybe that was a red flag. But for a good part of our relationship it didn't affect me seeing him. Which was really all I needed to do to feel better. I could be so upset one day and the next he'd come over and...i felt alive. More solid. I'd wanted him to come over more though. His mom was so controlling I wondered if I ever really wanted to keep dealing with it.

Yes. I would have.

But no matter what. He'd say "as soon as I go to college. Things will be different. We'll be better."  So I simply waited for college.

We didn't have long for it. So I could do it. I'd wait for him to go to college. Then he'd tell them about us. And i can proudly be out with him. I hung on to when he went to college. When he'd get his degree in engineering and he'd make me a house wife.

Those are the only times I can think of that made him feel bad. They hardly happen. Honestly. We never fought. Never went to other people about our issues. We always talked and worked it out.
He knew how much I relied on him. How much i needed him. He knew. He'd said he liked it. It was a bit much for him somtimes but, "I stuck my dick and crazy. No turning back now."

Every thing he'd ever told me. I believed. He'd never given me any reason not.

He spoke to me so gently. He knew I was sensitive. Even when he was pissed. He was so gentle with me. He understood me. Cared for me. Helped me. Healed me. Reassured me so much.

And i believed him.