Jilted

A thought to explain

My heart. It's beating so fast. I don't know what's wrong. I can't relax. I am so anxious. For what? i don't know. My hands are shaking, I can't relax. I can't.

The pain isn't as bad anymore. I starting to manage through it. At least it feels that way. I would like to sleep, but still, my mind won't rest. It wonders to him. Not what he's doing. Just the thought of not having him in my future. I really would just like to sleep. The only thing that calms me down is the pills.

I don't feel comfortable relying on them anymore. What else can I do? Or how can I get something stronger? I'm so anxious. My heart is pounding so fast. My hands are shaking. Am I okay? Am I going to be okay? I hope so...I hope so.

I have not cried yet today. I don't have the urge to yet. Maybe I won't. I cried a lot yesterday. Screamed until my head hurt. Did many things I feel I should not have done.

This is not fun. it's not fun. My hands shake, my heart race. Maybe I just need to breathe and relax. But I can't. I just want my mind to shut up. For my thoughts to quiet. Normally I just listen to music to pass the time. Think of fictional scenarios to escape reality. But I can't. It's as if my conscious knows something isn't right, and I can't find it in me to escape it. Like I need to fix it before I space out.

I saw a video that really made me think. I am the type of person that needs to talk these out in the moment, to find peace. He is the type of person that needs time to think so he isn't being irrational. I kept forcing him to try and talk to me which made him run away more, giving him no time to sort out his thoughts. But at the same time, he was ignoring me. Doing the opposite of what i needed of him. I just needed someone to talk to. I didn't mind giving him time to himself. It's just, i have nothing but time by myself. I didn't want to be by myself anymore.

I should have given him the space he needed. If I am offered a second chance I will be sure to do that. I talked about wanting him to be happy but I think ignored what he needed to ensure that we were happy. He just needed time to think and I kept forcing him. It is my fault. I know that it is.

My desire to give myself peace resulted in the end of my happiness. He probably felt so trapped, so pressured, and that's why he felt bad. Because he had no time to think, I kept ruining his chances to calm down and come back when he was ready to talk.

I know this now. I do. I understand. How should I tell him that I know it now without making him feel bad? Should I let it go? I need him to know that I understand him. That I see what I did wrong.

I keep saying i know him. he isn't like this. he wouldn't just stop caring. But how could I not see that he just needed some time to think?

Maybe I was blinded by my own pain. The need for a solution was so strong that I didn't think to give him time to think about what. And he could only think of one that would solve it. And that was leaving me.

But is that all? Has he really lost feelings? That's the thing that keeps killing me. That makes me so anxious. Is there really no more hope for us? I know relationships are not supposed to be easy. I never expected it to be. There will be ups and downs. But long-term relationships are about forgiveness. no matter what, with family, friends, or lovers, they will do something to hurt you. It is inevitable. It is how we grow and learn. And I want to keep growing and learning with him. Because we have come so far.

Just how can I tell him this? Without ruining his day? I know he's so tired of talking about it. I know. But I want to let him know that I understand and that I am sorry.