Jilted

A thought of bitterness

Betrayal is a dangerous terrible thing. It can change the best person into a mess. Ruin someone's entire life to the point where they don't care about anything at all. It can turn someone into such an ugly creature that could go on to ruin the next person's life and the cycle will continue.

There are some that can heal from it. They can learn from their mistakes to make better choices in the future instead of allowing them to burn down their world. Or they have just become hurt so many times they're not even phased by it. They feel nothing towards it. They become a dark human shell void of all emotions.

No one ever thinks they could become a victim of betrayal. When you're surrounded by that one person every day, they fill your head with their sweet reassurances, say they love you, and do things no one else has ever done. They know you and you know them. A mother, father, sibling, cousin, lover.

You know them. For so long you've been so close. Promises to stick together. Swearing on your life that nothing will ever break you guys apart, come between you, burn down that bond.

I have experienced betrayal. I was betrayed.

And I am allowed to say that I felt betrayed. I am allowed to say that I am hurt. I am allowed to be butt hurt about it until I die. I know I should start to heal, and eventually I will. But right now, I will hurt about it as long as I want.

I will scream it to anyone who will listen. Because these are my feelings. I am hurting because I was betrayed.

I poured my entire essence into a person. Shared my secrets, shared my body, and included them in my future. Made sure most of my choices would not hurt them. Love them. I made sure they were loved. There was never a time when I did not make them feel loved.

I guess what I really want to know is...How does one simply stop loving a person? And if it is so easy, how do I do it? What can I do, what can I take to stop the thoughts, to stop the pain, to stop hurting, to be numb?

Why make so many promises? Or give one such hope of a beautiful future together? What is the point when you're just going to throw it all away?

How is it fair? It is not fair. It is betrayal and it is evil.

And why is it that when they finally begin to get better, you come back? Is it because you're bored and want to see if you could do it all again? Did you have no one else? Is that it?

Came for a moment, apologized just to do it all again?

But oh, of course, it's my fault. Stupid me for hoping the person I knew was coming back to me. That there was a chance the future I planned with him would be saved at last. And then I would not have to start over with someone new. That I would not have to glue back all the pieces of myself alone. It is my fault for thinking we would heal from your mistake together.

Maybe there was a reason he never told his family about us. Because he never expected it to get this far? That having me was easier than having to go around finding new girls to mess around with.

...I know it isn't true. That at some point you actually loved me. I don't want to ruin our memories like that.

What else is there for me to do though? The only way I think I could let you go is by hating you. And I do hate you. You ruined us!

I. Hate. You.

But fuck if you asked me back right now I would say yes...If I had the chance to do it all again knowing the outcome, I would say yes.

I will never forgive you though even if we did have a second chance. I could never forget the way you hurt me. As much as I love being there for others, I do not think I could be there for you as a friend. At least not right now. If he were to come to me hurting with so much emotion or stress, I would have to turn him away. I don't think that I ever really could if it came down to it. But i would want to.

So if you are reading this. Do not talk to me. I don't want to hear about your problems and I'm sure you're tired of hearing about mine. Do not talk to me unless you feel like ending it all. And even then i suggest you go to those friends you decided to ditch me for. And if they are not there for you then I am sorry. I will try to be there for you if it is that serious. But do you deserve it? Do you deserve my help after everything you've done?

Is it awful of me to punish him for losing feelings? He cannot control it, I know...But I do not care. Because I was betrayed, and I am bitter about it. I am hurt. He ruined our future, he fucked up my life. And he's just fine.

He is just fine.