Jilted

A thought of panic

I text him. He responds.

My hands are shaking as I wait to see what he's going to say. My fingers shake as I type in my response. My heart is beating so fast.

But no, now he's gone. His new friends came. The ones that replaced me so fast. Why do I even bother? Why? 

Still, i could not sleep. I tried to go back. Since 5 am I tried. I let my phone die just so I wouldn't look at it. I can't bear it anymore. Please. All I ever wanted was to talk. i still i woke up to no good morning message. Should I have said? I would not have meant it. He knew that. He knows me very well.

But this side of him. I don't know. He's so distant. My pretty boy that I thought i knew is becoming a stranger to me now. I want to give up. I want to because I should. Because he has given up. The guy that I thought could surpass anything has given up. So why can't I? Why am i hurting myself like this?

Because it's for him. I love him.

But he does not love me. He had told me so in that cold distant voice. Yet he has not changed the little things that mean he loved me. He had not changed his profile picture on the game that is set as me. He has not changed the profile picture that matches mine. Has not changed his bio that says it's just the two of us.

He told me could never fully shut me out. Some small part of me believes since he still responds. Those little things mean nothing. But he did them for me, why not change them? I would have. If it was over, I would have deleted everything of us.

I cannot.

He offered to call me. But when i said yes, suddenly he left. And now I'm left watching the old videos of us. He was smiling in all of them. I'd remember how warm he was on those days. How he'd looked at me, kissed me, loved me. He said he loved me more. He always said that. Now where is that extra love?

Where has it gone?

Maybe he did love me more. But I needed him more. Yes, that has to be it. But still. I feel betrayed. Tricked. Why say it if it wasn't true? If you could leave so easily. Stop distracting yourself from me and actually work with me. Or put me out of misery for good.

Again, he'd tried to. That cold voice of his tried to tell it to me nicely. Though his words were harsh, he was gentle with them at first. But as i continue to beg, i sense that annoyance for me start to spark. Was my begging making it easier for him to leave me?

My heart is beating so fast in my chest. I cannot find peace. I can't. He just leaves, unscathed every time. How can he be so strong? How is he not breaking like i am? Why does he not care that I am dying for him?

Why am i wasting my energy on someone who doesn't care about the pain I'm putting myself through? Perhaps I'm just holding on to the memory of him. The wound is still so fresh. I can't let go. I can't bear it. No one understands. No one understands.

Everyone judges me. Everyone thinks I'm stupid. He thinks I'm stupid. He probably thinks i am pathetic. I just wanted to hear his voice. Just to hear the old him. To make him smile, to make him complain.

It hurts to breathe. it hurts to breathe. I need to breathe. I need to relax. Deep breaths. Deep sobs. I am crying. I can't do it. I can't handle not having him. it's like he is dead. But i know he isn't. Because i see that he is active online. I see that he has left his dorm. I see that he doesn't want me anymore. I am nothing.

I feel like nothing. He made me feel like something. I was something to him. And now I am nothing.

Breathe. I need to breathe. It hurts to breathe. I need to breathe because it hurts not to breathe. But I'm more scared of breathing. What do I do? Let the pain in or the fear? Which one do i face? Which one will end quicker? The pain will last a lifetime. Fear will last maybe a moment as i drift to a peaceful sleep. Though it would hurt others.

He had told me not care about what other people thought. Should now be the time where i take that advice of his. I mean...hey at least I'd finally leave him alone.

I just want to make him happy. He would never know. No one would tell him. He would have no way of finding out. I could delete everything. He would just think i blocked him. He would never know. he would not have any guilt. None.

Is it bad that I am not thinking of my family? Probably. it's a sick and twisted thing to do. I am fucked up. I am flawed. But he had loved me either way. Understood me. Spoke to me gently. Cared for me. Touched me physically and emotionally. I had never cried too much over him. I only cried if I made him feel bad. But he had never made me cry this bad. Had never made me feel this type of pain until now.

I want to hate him for breaking all of our promises. I want to.

Breathe. I need to breathe. It hurts to breathe. I'm scared of not breathing. But the pain of breathing last too long. I have no distractions like him. he knows that. he knows and still abandoned me.

When i needed him most, he left me. I was always there for him. Always. Even when he wanted to be left alone. I made sure he was okay. He might have been annoyed at me for that, but as long as i knew he was okay, I did not care.

I can't do anything i once enjoyed doing. I cannot read, i cannot listen to music, I cannot watch tv, I cannot play the game.

I can only cry. That's the only way I know how to deal with the pain. Nothing else works. If i try, I'll end up crying anyway. Talking to people helps.

No one wants to talk to me. Everyone is busy. He is busy.

So i am alone in dealing with this. they say i am not, but no one is here now to comfort me. Guide me out of this pain. No one. No one I want.

I took four more pills last night. eight in twenty-four hours. That could not be good.

Maybe it's all in my head. But my body feels different. It feels tense. My throat is tight. My chest stings, my head hurts, and I have no urge to eat anything. I have to force myself out of bed to feed my guinea.

I have to tell my mom I cannot take care of her anymore. i can't put my energy into her anymore. I have no motivation for life. Not without him. I named her after a character in a game he liked, I can't stand her. it's an awful thing to say. But she reminds me of him. Everything I do reminds me of him. Nothing is my own anymore. Nothing.

We shared the same music taste, the games I liked were the games he liked, and my books, he bought them and he was the one I told them to. The shows, we said we'd watch together. I can't bear to watch them now. Everything I was, integrated into him. Does he not know this? Does he truly not know the hold he has over me?

If he told me to get on all fours and embarrass myself like a dog I would. And I'm not even into pet play.

Breathe. Breathe. It hurts to breathe. I'm scared of not breathing. I'm scared of not having a life with him. I could never just be his friend. Never. The thought of him with someone else...kills me now and it hasn't even happened yet. I don't want to live in that world where he is happy with someone else.

Why can't he love me like I love him? Want me the same? Need me the same. Why? What changed in just that one week?

it hurts so bad. I cannot sleep. My heart is beating so fast. I am anxious for the next time I will talk to him. I crave it. I need it. I need him. I love him. He was mine.