A thought that scares you

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Honesty.

This is my completely sincere thought.

I do not want to love someone new. I certainly do not want someone I talk to once or twice a month. My falling was not my fault. Could it even be considered a fall? Perhaps it should, since I didn't mean for it to happen. I slipped and hit my head.

The days that I and this new character spend apart, I don't think of any love ever being capable of being shared by us that isn't platonic. I hoped that going into this, I could control how I felt. That I could stop the fall before it could even begin to happen.

Our arrangements made it fairly easy for no emotions to come through, besides the ones needed for the relationship.

Normally, I can see two steps ahead of me. I predict things and people's actions. But I did not predict this. I now understand why strangers sleep with different people. It is truly impossible to not form some kind of bond when you're constantly intimate with the same person.

I know for sure that what I feel for him isn't love.

I am not in love.

Sometimes, I do wish to have more than I'm allowed. I've never been given much. So what we have, I'm used to. I expected. And as he and I went deeper into this relationship, I proceeded to anticipate the limits I was given.

I prepared myself so well. I swear I did. Honestly, I thought I could do it.

And it makes me cry. It does. Have you ever cried because you realized you want something so bad that you know you can't have or don't deserve it?

Recently, I've discovered just that. I've never experienced so much uneasiness and fear as I realized my feelings for someone.

As much as I'd like to talk myself out of it, I'm going to allow myself a moment to get out what it is I like here since I have no one to tell it to.


Beauty.

That's what it was. Not in the face, the eyes. I have never met a man with such beautiful eyes. I tell it to him, maybe he thinks I'm joking or maybe he's heard it plenty before. But that's what it is.

I hate to be the woman who praises a man who cannot do the bare minimum. But I have to get it out. To plead my innocence. Make you understand that I was rendered helpless.


But yes, His eyes. A light brown color? I don't know how to describe it. Sometimes I can't stare straight at them, however, if I had the confidence I'd stare at them for as long as he'd allow me.

His hands are usually warm, his chest the perfect place to lay on. The way the curve of his bicep feels whenever I run my hands across them. I love his arms. A wonderful thing to admire. He has a nice big smile too. Although, when he's just relaxing, he has this resting bitch face. I always thought he was depressed about something or just tired.

He is tall, with big soft lips, and those eyes.

I will regret commending someone so much, but I feel so blessed that I get the chance to be his center of attention. Even if it's just for a few hours. He leaves such an impact on me that after a day of leaving him, I still feel the phantom pleasure of when he was inside me. How hungry the kisses had been.

But I suppose that's all it is when it comes to him. We have no real connection outside of the physical aspects.

I cannot claim him as mine, can not feel the enjoyment of him claiming me as his. Cannot rely on him to make me feel better when I'm down, can not go to him when something exciting happens, can not enjoy his company whenever I want. I can never be comfortable. can never allow myself to even think there's a chance.

And there is no optimism in this scenario. No miscommunication. Me admitting this to him wouldn't change anything positive for me. He has already said himself that he doesn't see anything happening between us. Has made it clear that he doesn't wish to talk to me anymore. Doesn't wish to see me more. Has never complimented me as I have him, and I don't mind.

The moment I realized I liked him was when he told me he had another friend who would confide in him. I saw the things she wrote to him, and as I read it, it clicked in my mind.

That I had fallen for someone I had no chance with at all. No amount of changing would get him to want me. I do not hate him for this. I understand, and I accept that. It just hurts me because I wish so much to have someone to confide in. To talk about our feelings in general and for each other. For them to want to see me as much as I do them. That will give me compliments that I won't believe. I want to have a person again.

I could always go out and search for that, but I truly don't have it in me to start over with a stranger. I don't have enough of me to do that yet, and I won't for a long time.

It's terrifying to even think of jumping in with someone else, let alone with him. And yet I cannot stop my emotions. At least not now I can't with the realization being so fresh now. It will take time for me to move past. And since he and I rarely speak now, I won't worry about it until my next visit. If there will even be a next visit. Things with him have no order at all.

I don't think I'll tell him. I've never felt comfortable enough to talk to him about anything deep with him. I don't wish to waste his time, I know he doesn't care. I wish he did, it's for the best he doesn't.

But I wish he did.

Wish I could see his beautiful, dark, luring eyes whenever I wanted. Feel him in me whenever he needs the release, push his body closer to mine to take all of him.

I am terrible and have very weak self-control.

The cons weigh out the pros by a lot. There are only two pros that have nothing to do with emotional connection.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know it will end badly, but I've never been good at abandoning people so easily. At least not someone I have feelings for. I'd prefer he be the one to break it off whenever it was to happen. I hope it won't be for a while, at least enough time for me to figure out what I want.

My feelings for him are extremely terrifying, and lustful, and are based on little moments that mean nothing to him.

I have a bad feeling in my heart that something is going to go wrong again. And although I've begun to make peace with trying to be on my own, it is nice to have those little moments with him. I think it keeps me stable or perhaps makes me worse. I'm not sure yet, that lesson is still being learned.

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